Most websites with list-form dating advice tell you what qualities to look for in a person. Well, here at Let’s Digress Dating Solutions, we tell you which qualities to avoid.
Before I begin, allow me to qualify my expertise in this field: I am happily married to a rather endearing woman who does an incredible job putting up with me, especially when I make lists. So, by definition, I have won the dating game. #NextLevel
[Disclaimer: Take this advice at your own risk. While this is a comprehensive and partially-exhaustive four-point list, it is far from complete and can’t possibly cover all of the many attributes of women that should be avoided. Some rationales are also difficult, nigh impossible, to explain, but every male knows in his gut that it has a pang of accuracy.
- 1. Avoid becoming romantically involved with women who have more than four piercings above the thyroid cartilage that aren’t symmetrical.
This is primarily a matter of symmetry. Four is a good, wholesome number. The woman could have two piercings in each ear, or one per ear and one per nostril, or both nostrils and both eyebrows. But a single-nostril nose piercing isn’t symmetrical and makes the nose-region look lopsided. Same rules apply for the eyebrows. Also, why would someone want their eyebrows to be pierced? That seems like it would get caught on so many things…
Tongue piercings bring their own practical issues as well; food trapping is a real thing, especially after Taco Tuesday at La Hacienda or after Buffet Friday at Golden Corral.
- 2. Avoid women with sub-clavicular tattoos.
A sub-clavicular tattoo, also called a “boob tattoo,” is defined as any tattoo on a woman that is below the level of the clavicle but still higher the seventh rib. I’m not going to delve too deeply into this one because it should be kind of self-explanatory. Also, generally people dress in a manner to display their tattoos. If a lady has a sub-clavicular tattoo and is wearing attire to show it off, is that the most respectable way to dress? Probably not.
Besides, has anyone ever met a woman who has a satisfactorily high moral fortitude worthy of becoming romantically involved with while simultaneously having a boob tattoo? Nope. Avoid those womenses.
- 3. Avoid women whose last names are either colors or common nouns.
You know these women I’m talking about; they have cool last names like Blue, Black, Brown, Green, Red, Job, West, Price, Chairman, House, Rivers, Will, Sofa, Bar Stool, etc. Avoid those. Don’t make me explain it, just do it. One way or another, you’ll understand one day. Common noun and color names need to be treaded around carefully.
I should also mention that, though it’s not as firm of a rule, it would be wise to avoid women who have names that are also derivatives of nouns. E.g., Blackman, Greenberg, Westman, Pricecheck, Redman-Syndrome, etc.
- 4. Avoid women whose names are spelled the wrong way.
This is right up there with the boob tattoos. Women who have names spelled incorrectly are always untrustworthy until extensively proven otherwise. A female named Candy is fine; a female named Candi is not fine. Candy with an “i” may be fine to look at from a respectably safe distance, but beneath that aesthetically-pleasing exterior is an eldritch of bottomless crazy.
If the name should end with a y and does end with a y, it’s fyne. (Fine, fyne… get it? Wordplay!)
If the name should end with an ie and doesn’t you’ll die eventuallie. (More wordplay!)
If the name should end with an e and ends with anything else, you’ll be ended as welle.
What else do you think should be on the list? Comment below (be nice) or shoot an email to Adam@LetsDigress.com!