Q: Is it okay to have kids after 31?
A: No, 31 kids is plenty.
Q: I’m two months pregnant and constantly exhausted. Will it be this way until I deliver?
A: Yes, and then some. You’ll be exhausted at least until they’re 10, but most likely exhausted well into their teenage years. Especially if your baby is a girl.
Q: How much weight should I gain?
A: It isn’t so much a question of how much you should gain, but how fast you can lose it after giving birth. But that is for you and your spouse to decide.
Q: Is it safe to exercise during pregnancy?
A: It depends on the kind of exercise. Crossfit is never safe, for anyone, regardless of if they’re knocked up or not. However, yoga, cardio, Zumba, strength training, and Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks are all acceptable within moderation.
Q: Should I sleep in a certain position?
A: Nope, whatever is comfortable. Really, you should enjoy it while you can. After the kid learns how to walk, your sleeping positions will be rather limited since you’ll have a third person in your bed.
Q: Can I perm or dye my hair?
A: I don’t believe this has anything to do with pregnancy. Technically, yes, you can perm or dye your hair…but should you perm or dye it is the better question.
Q: Should I be careful about handling or eating any foods? What about other substances?
A: Avoid fish products from vending machines. Other substances? Like LSD, cocaine, and catnip? Avoid those, too, especially while pregnant.
Q: What are the earliest signs that I’m expecting?
A: Just like in the movies, you’ll wake up in the morning, vomit profusely, and radiate a majestic glow. Like Beyoncé. Except she doesn’t vomit, because she’s perfect, and is the first woman ever to sing songs while pregnant. She’s such a pillar to our culture.
Q: Is co-sleeping okay?
A: When they’re toddlers and smaller, yes, on occasion. But not after they are able to drive. Then it’s creepy.
Q: How do I calculate my baby’s due date?
A: Add 9 months to when you discovered you were pregnant, then subtract 6-8 weeks. Or ask your doctor.
Q: When should I stop breastfeeding?
A: If they’re old enough to ask for it, then they should’ve been cut off from the tap at least 6 months earlier.
Q: What should I expect from my first prenatal checkup?
A: You should expect a bill and for the service representatives to be confused. Thanks to Obamacare, no one really knows how healthcare billing works anymore.
Q: Can I breastfeed in public?
A: Yes, you can, but the better question is, should you? And that answer is no, probably not. Have some dignity, respect others, be tasteful, and keep things covered. You don’t have the right to force other people to watch and they shouldn’t be subjugated to support your voyeuristic decisions.
Q: How can I prevent stretch marks?
A: By not getting pregnant.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: If you’re lucky, probably when they turn 18. But don’t worry, they’ll most likely be back after college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Looking at the baby after giving birth.
Q: Is there anything to avoid while recovering from childbirth?