Ladies, do you ever wonder why you haven’t found Mr. Right yet? Or perhaps you’ve dated a man whom you thought was Mr. Right, only for him to suddenly slip from your grasp? Have you been thinking, “How can I still be single? I’m such a good catch! I’m attractive, successful, not homicidally crazy, and my moral compass points north… What am I doing wrong?”
If any of that sounds like you, then you’re in the right place.
[Disclaimer: I quote a song later on. 21 times, to be specific. I have been informed repeatedly that the song I quote is not as popular as I thought it was, and that certainly explains why so many people have been confused. The song is called Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake, in case you were curious.]
In the paragraphs that follow, unique insights into the male mind will be provided. Prepare your heart and mind, because your noodle is about to be baked.
Months ago, I wrote a couple of blogs that touched on this same subject, but they were both very dense, adjective-heavy, and had concepts that were difficult to grasp. I think reading them would be comparable to trying to read any CS Lewis book—other than Narnia—while firmly in the grasp of excessive alcohol inebriation. It was just difficult to do.
For those of you up for a challenge, those blogs are 15 Things Men Look for in Women and 8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry the Complicated Girl.
There is a fixed list of 21 qualities that men want in their leading lady. These qualities are, in fact, so universal among all men that they are literally coded into our DNA, metaphorically speaking.
I know 21 things is quite a hefty list, but did you really expect something as significant as this to be short? I know it’s long, but reading to the end will definitely be worth it. Don’t worry, I’ll explain each trait clearly and I’ll include a memory tool at the end.
[Disclaimer #2: This is intended to be read with the mindset of “satire,” so a snarky and sarcastic internal narrator voice is critical. It is not a legitimate list of qualities men seek in women, nor is it actually encoded in male DNA, and it most certainly is not a list that I endorse for any relationships to be founded on. The 8 Reasons blog would be a much better one to review for that.]
For ease of reference, I will use an ascending numbering method.
- Men want a woman with a mind like a diamond.
Us dudes want a bright minded, smart, and quick-witted lady. Unintelligent women are way too simple and don’t have the depth men need for the long haul.
2. We want a woman who knows what’s best.
Deep down, us fellas want a woman who cares for us. Not just one who cares for us, but one who wants the best for us, regardless of what that means. Actually, a woman who knows what’s best in general would be good, too.
3. We want a girl with shoes that cut.
Heels. Guys like women who can competently rock a pair of heels. Stilettos, specifically. But, ladies, tastefulness is critical here. Heels over 7 inches make us question your integrity, to say the least. Don’t worry though, boots are an acceptable substitute if heels aren’t practical for you. Example: Heels don’t work well in ice and they certainly don’t work if you’re over 5’11”.
4. Dudes want a woman whose eyes burn like cigarettes.
You know that heart-melting stare that romantic comedies overuse when the couple first notice each other from across the room and instantly fall in love? That.
5. All men want a girl with right allocations.
We like a woman who knows how to distribute things. Duh.
6. A lady who is both fast and thorough.
Translation: She’s time efficient and applies the use of due diligence in all aspects of life.
7. A woman who is sharp as a tack.
[See #1, but this has a higher emphasis on quick-wittedness and the ability to return playful banter.]
8. A woman who plays with her jewelry.
Men are attracted to women who know how to tastefully accessorize. Dudes are like fish, squirrels, and children; we’re just naturally attracted to shiny things that increase aesthetic appeal.
9. A woman who puts her hair up.
Ladies, you can’t let your hair down unless it is up first.
10. A woman who can tour a facility and pick up slack.
Men occasionally like to go on educational tours of places (historic locations, museums, etc.). We want someone who we can share those experiences with. “Picking up slack” refers to picking up our slacks. Sometimes our business casual trousers don’t make it back on the hangers for one reason or another.
11. A lady who gets up early.
We want a lady who can wake up to an alarm clock. Sometimes us men are heavy sleepers, so it’s nice to know that our lady has our back with the wake-up call every now and then.
12. A lady who stays up late.
Really, I probably should’ve reversed the order of 11 and 12. All men everywhere enjoy midnight premieres of movies. If the movie starts at midnight, then we wouldn’t be home until at least 3 am. We need someone who can keep up with us in the wee morning hours.
13. A woman with uninterrupted prosperity.
Two words: Financial stability. Also called the “Dave Ramsey Gene.” ‘Nuff said.
14. A girl who uses a machete to cut through red tape.
“Red tape” being the horse malarkey us men spout during
conversation as “witty banter” and “machete” being “loving and direct.” We want a lady who can say, “That’s a load of buffalo hooey and we both know it. By the way, I still think you’re still awesome.”
15. A woman with fingernails that shine like justice.
Cuticle care is critical and crucial. Ladies, your phalanges tell us a lot about your hygiene levels. Us bros like cleanliness. We don’t want to spend the rest of our days with a woman who has bag lady hands.
16. A woman whose voice is dark like tinted glass.
Some women take this too far. Sophia Bush, Brooke from One Tree Hill, took this too far. Her voice was super deep and raspy, basically a smoker’s voice. Think of it like this: Men want a woman whose voice doesn’t sound like she inhaled helium. So, deeper than helium but not as deep as Brooke’s smoker voice.
17. A girl with a smooth liquidation.
This is closely related to #13. This is the opposite of financial stability. In case there is a lack of financial stability for whatever reason, us guys want to know that our lady knows how to liquidate some assets in order to regain that financial stability again as smoothly as possible.
18. A girl with good dividends.
This is the end product of #13 and #17.
19. A lady who wants a car with a cup-holder armrest that will get her wherever she wants to go, fast.
This is probably the most metaphorical of them all, and therefore, opens it up to some interpretation. I take it to mean that we want a lady who is incredibly practical (cup-holder armrest) and who knows what she wants and how to get it (the car that will get her there, fast).
20. A woman who will change her name from Kitty to Karen.
Deep down, all men everywhere want their lady to change her last name to his when they get married. Sure, men will say that it’s “okay” for their lady to not change her name and that changing it “is an archaic tradition that needs to end,” but deep down, all men everywhere want their lady to share their last name with them.
21. A woman with a short skirt and a long jacket.
Men like their lady to be tastefully dressed. Long jackets are stylish. Short skirts (not excessively short; tastefully short) are also stylish. Sure, they’ll never be as stylish as cargo pants, but it’s basically the female equivalent of cargo pants. Dudes love cargo pants. Oh, and if the skirt happens to be too short, the long jacket is a clever way to hide the wardrobe snafu. This is also closely connected to #3.
Remember when I said that this list is basically encoded into the male genome? I wasn’t kidding. There is a popular band, Cake, who wrote a song that is literally composed of this list.
The song is quite catchy and easily doubles as a memory aid.