Re: Love Is Blind Season 9, Part Two
I’ve continued watching Season 9 without Gabby.
TL;DR: This show is terrible. Go hug your actual, functional significant other and do legitimately anything else. Maybe read a book. Maybe read A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. That’s wholesome.
For part one, click here.
I’m through episode six now, I think. I’m not entirely sure—it all runs together in a long string of irritation and belligerence.
I know, I know—I’m dumb. The emotional flagellation I endured during Season 8 seems to have reared its lip-filler-permeated head again. But alas, I’ll push on; pressure makes diamonds, or God doesn’t give us stronger battles than we can handle, or just insert your own preferred out-of-context aphorism.
The one guy, Edward? The black dude who looks like Steve Urkel from Family Matters. I’m just going to say it: he was wearing bright red pants. I don’t play sportsball, but I’m pretty sure that’s some sort of foul.
Speaking of fouls, I’m calling another on everyone with an exposed sternum. I didn’t consent to see anything that far south of a clavicle.
While still in the pods, the lady with the sternum and athletic attire (clearly just for aesthetics—ironic, since it’s a show specifically about not-aesthetics) was talking to the white dude with the hair—which is all of them, really. He was shocked when she said she was “spiritual but not religious,” and later clarified that she also wasn’t spiritual.
Anyway, he asked her why she was spiritual but not religious and also not spiritual. She answered that things had happened in her life and if God was good, then He wouldn’t allow bad things to happen in the world. Based on how she talked about her position, it sounded like she legitimately believed she was the first person ever to wonder, “If God, why suffering?” As if no one else throughout history had ever wrestled with that question.
(For the record: Ravi Zacharias, C.S. Lewis, and Sheldon Vanauken have all written extensively on this. Vanauken’s A Severe Mercy is one of my favorites.)
Meanwhile, the same dude-bro—whose name I don’t remember—said that his mom watches “alarmist” Fox News and implied that he and whichever lip-filler lady he was talking to will be better parents than their own because they won’t watch Fox News. Because they’re nuanced and enlightened and dumb.
The sternum lady later said that one of the dude-bros (again, name unknown) was “love bombing” her. This was a new phrase for me, so I looked it up. Apparently, it’s a manipulative behavior pattern where one person overwhelms another with affection and praise early in a relationship to gain influence. She went on to assertively inform him that love isn’t a moment; it’s “eternal and forever.”
Silly me—I thought it was a verb, like in the hit song Love Is a Verb from the always-classic band, dcTalk.
Oh! Back to the fouls. Many of the men wore dress shoes without socks. I’m issuing two fouls per dude-bro: One for each foot. Dress shoes are meant to be worn with socks. 100% of the time. Always. No exceptions, ever.
If you’re wearing boat shoes with a suit, you’re wrong. Shoes are meant to have socks, and dress shoes always require socks, regardless if one is on a dumb dating experiment show or not. If I’m ever elected to public office, in addition to outlawing daylight saving time, I will also outlaw the sockless wearing of dress shoes.
But I digress.
Elsewhere at the resort, Urkel and his fiancée (whose name I don’t remember) were talking. She asked if he would defend and protect her from an assailant if someone tried to attack her. He very confidently said, “No,” and elaborated that the only time he’ll ever raise a hand to another man will be for a handshake or a high-five. She looked appalled, and rightfully so. What a wiener.
Somehow that conversation ended with him telling her he needs her to frequently remind him that he’s special and better than other random guys she encounters. To my bewilderment, she was like, “Okay, yeah, I can do that.”
Speaking of wieners… another foul. One of the dude-bros was wearing a hefty gold chain in the pool. Two fouls:
1) Man jewelry that isn’t a watch or wedding band.
2) Man jewelry that isn’t a watch or wedding band in a pool.
3) Bonus foul for Urkel being the human embodiment of a gas station glizzy.
After some B-roll and ambiguous music, the show cut to all the dude-bros talking. They were bragging about having sex with their significant others already… except Urkel. The rest were like, “No? That’s alright. Good for her setting boundaries! It’s good to wait. Not for us, but good for you guys.”
Urkel was unhappy and said something like, “This is terrible. I’m going to give her four weeks before I have to hit it hard,” and went on to say he wouldn’t consider marrying her unless they had sex first.
This, from the dude-bro who literally said he wouldn’t defend her from an attacker.
Later, Roller Glizzy and his fiancée were talking privately, and she opened up about previous relationships, one-night stands, and wanting to wait a month before having sex. He got mopey, whiny, and started to actually cry, then told her it was her fault and her job to make him feel better. And like the petulant, passive, effeminate man-child he is, he said, “But I’m the only guy here who hasn’t hit it on the trip.”
How. Is. This. A. Real. Person.
My salty opinion: she needs to either punch him in the throat—first for the “I won’t defend you” thing, and second for the badgering about not fornicating—or soak his underwear in Bengay. That’d be satisfactory too.
After yet more B-roll and ominous music, everyone was at a pool party. One of the dude-bros got drunk and wanted to take a nap. Good for him. This show makes me want to take a nap.
Anyway, the lip-filler fiancée (whose name escapes me) bickered with him about going or staying or going or staying. She stayed; he went. Things should’ve been fine.
But she later came back, abruptly woke him up from a respectable drunken sleep, and got angry—even crying—when he was confused and incoherent from being drunk and just woken up.
Then this woman said, “Oh no, are you okay? You’re freaking me out. Did you have too much to drink or something?” to which he denied.
1) Never believe a drunk person who says they haven’t had too much to drink. They absolutely have.
2) How did she not register that he was still intoxicated?
3) He was actually being responsible, and she’s just an idiot. Again.
4) I hate this show.
A quick public safety announcement from your local paramedic:
I’ve worked a substantial number of hours doing cool-guy 911 paramedic things in a college town. I’ve seen some drunk people get abruptly woken from sleep—heck, I’m often the guy waking them up. This was textbook “drunk person waking from sleep.”
When things are good, they’re super easy to interact with: Say hi, check vitals, grab a glucose, make sure there’s a responsible adult home, get an SOR, and put that drunken baby back to bed. Sheesh.
Also, this lady has crazy eyes—and I don’t think it’s because of her condition that might maybe possibly cause her to lose vision at some point in the future depending how her life unfolds.
This show is terrible.
These people are so dumb.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been reincarnated and this is my penance for something I did in a past life.
Just kidding. If I thought that, I’d sound like one of the people on this silly show.