How to be Romantic During a Worldwide Pandemic
Listen, the global economy basically skidding to a grinding halt resulting in everyone being in a self-imposed mass home quarantine is not a legitimate reason for your love life to suffer.
We here at the Let’s Digress Institute for Romantic Endeavors (L-DIRE) have concocted 7 tips for how to be romantic during a worldwide pandemic.
Disclaimer: Before I begin, allow me to qualify my expertise in this field: I am happily married to the best wife of all wives who does an incredible job of putting up with me, especially when I make lists. So, by definition, I have won the dating game and am qualified to make the following statements.
1. Give your prospective romantic partner a personal hygiene basket with the good toilet paper.
Sure, it may be a cliche, but gift baskets really do never go out of style, especially in a time when everyone is terrified of microscopic things that happen to kill the elderly or immunocompromised.
The personal hygiene gift basket should include things like soap, hand sanitizer, at least one gallon of bleach, rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, hypoallergenic lotion, spray disinfectant, Clorox wipes, and the good toilet paper (2-ply minimum). If you want to show your special someone how much you really care, spring for the aloe-infused toilet paper.
2. Draw a smiley face on your face mask to make yourself more approachable.
If you’re concerned about looking like an intimidating medical worker or a germaphobic loser but also don’t want to be exposed to breathing in harmful airborne particles, simply remedy that by drawing a smiley face on your N95 respirator or other filtering apparatus of choice.
Nothing says, “Hey, I’m approachable and reasonable” like a smiley mouth on a face mask.
3. Use the citrus-scented Lysol and not the unscented.
If your romantic partner is coming over to your place so you can both be quarantined together, be sure to use the citrus-scented Lysol and not the unscented spray. Not only does the smell of citrus brighten up any room, but it’s also a display of affection that shows just how much you care for your romantic partner by saying, “I like you so much I used the good smelling spray on all hard and flat surfaces in my house.”
4. Mark your doorframe with Lysol like the Israelites did.
Remember that bible story about the Israelites marking their doorposts with blood so their house would be passed over? Well, if you mark the outside of your doorframe with Lysol, not only will it ward off any infectious bacteria that may be living on it, but under blacklight, it’ll signal to others that you’re single, sanitized, and ready to mingle.
5. Check your partner’s temperature for them as a romantic gesture.
Just like how hospitals have been checking everyone’s temperature when they arrive, you should check the temperature of your houseguests when they arrive. But since this particular houseguest is a prospective person of romantic interest, you should check their temperature for them as a romantic gesture.
Not only does it say you care about their health, but it also says, “Hey, I can take care of you when you get sick later because you didn’t quarantine yourself like you were supposed to.”
P.S. The rectal temperature is the most accurate. Use your discretion to evaluate if that’s the appropriate method to check their temp. Also, an elevated temperature can be a sign of love. Or an infection.
6. Wash each other’s hands under candlelight.
Hand hygiene is always important, and since you and your romantic interest have likely been Netflix-and-Quarantining with each other at this point, hand hygiene is even extra more important. You and your partner should both wash your hands frequently. However, to make it more romantic, try washing each other’s hands. And do it under candlelight. Everything is more romantic when done under candlelight.
7. Watch the Star Wars saga.
Since there is so much quarantining going on right now, it’s important to keep one’s mind active. And since we’re talking romance, nothing is romantic like watching Star Wars, a hit cinematic saga where a handsome smuggler prevents incest between a brother and sister.
When watching Star Wars, remember to watch the movies in chronological order (I-IX), not the order in which they were released. If you do that properly and watch the bonus features, it’ll take up at least 20 hours.
If you’re feeling adventurous, as soon as you finish the Star Wars movies, pop Harry Potter into the Blu-ray player. And if you and your romantic interest are feeling extra frisky, add in the Lord of the Rings movies in reverse order in-between the Harry Potter movies.
If you follow these romance tips, you and your romantic interest are guaranteed to take your relationship to the next level. Or possibly contract some pathogen. For additional tips on all things love and romance, consider reading the following articles:
Fantastic, as always! I particularly enjoyed your foresight to, “spring for the aloe-infused toilet paper” as well as tip 4.