I May Have Purchased an Aphrodisiac
I May Have Purchased an Aphrodisiac
I just bought my first pair of Keen Newport H2 sandals.
Back away, ladies.
It’s not my first pair of Keen shoes. I’ve owned lots of those. Currently I’m rocking a pair of Atlanta Cool ESD soft toes. Keen doesn’t really make them anymore, but I found a like-new pair on eBay for $35 in my size, and if that isn’t some indicator of Divine Providence, then I’m not sure what is.
Technically this is the second pair of these that I’ve owned, and they’ve probably been my favorite pair of shoes ever.
Anyway, I was cruising eBay last night, looking for taxidermied animals and super-awesome footwear, as one does, and stumbled upon a pair of glorious Newport H2s.
I’ve always been curious about them, and they were $30-ish, which is almost certainly some sort of Divine Providence.
After further reading of internet reviews and several deeply authoritative Reddit threads written by men with usernames like TacticalBeard87, MarcGruffalo357, and OutdoorDave, I’ve started to realize the actual value of the treasure I bought.
Like the siren call of mermaids to sailors, these Newport H2s ooze testosterone, virility, and financial stability, and the ladies come running.
In light of that—knowing full well that I’ll be wearing one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs known to mankind (rivaled only by owning the complete Batman: The Animated Series on DVD), and that I might be targeted for my attire—I’d like to get out in front of things.
Ladies, I’m happily married to the best wife of all wives, who is currently pregnant with our third baby. Keep your distance. I have no interest in forsaking my marriage vows for you or whatever lewd ideations fueled by fantasy literary erotica you may have.
Also, Gabby is a savage and isn’t bashful about going full honey-badger mode. It would be a quick fight for her and she’d go right back to making dinner afterward without a second thought, but it would be a prolonged and painful demise for you.
I’ll need to be careful wearing these at home. Otherwise Gabby will likely end up pregnant again. Really, it’s probably a good thing she can’t get pregnant while actively pregnant.
The jean shorts should be here next week.