Re: Love Is Blind Season 10, Part Five
The Instagram Reels were correct. Things took a not-entirely-unexpected turn.
I hate this show.
Episode 8
Chris and Jess:
He looks more and more like a discount Frodo. Not even a main-cast Frodo. More like a second-tier background hobbit from a parody spinoff no one asked for.
No, worse. He’s a Harfoot from Rings of Power. I know it wasn’t technically a parody, but it may as well have been.
Also, he’s single with a cat. How is that not a red flag for everyone?
Also also, Jess’s house had so much gold and so many snakes I couldn’t tell if we were touring the back corner of an At Home or wandering through an Ancient Egyptian fever dream.
Alex and Ashley:
They bickered about… something. They’re both exhausting.
He was oddly preoccupied with adult activities and her reproductive cycle. I’m sure that’s healthy.
I still think her dad should sue him.
Amber and BDO:
Her. Hair. Is. Still. Fluffy.
At this point it seems intentional.
I know she’s supposed to be a well-educated professional and all that, but there’s a small part of me that thinks she could also be the lady from the trailer park who would shiv you for looking too long at her trash cans.
Although, things can be true at once I suppose.
Vic and Christine:
They had a whole discussion about the political implications of having biracial children, the history of the country, and how we don’t live in a colorblind society.
They kept it vague, which I both appreciate and find annoying because:
They won’t just call the thing the thing.
I can’t tell where they actually land on the subject.
Regardless, I’m sure the producers were thrilled.
Alternatively, if they focused on culture, character, shared values, and their shared Christian faith, most of this tension would evaporate.
But where’s the drama in that?
Devonta and Brittany:
They met her family and they were delightful. I’d eat dinner there.
They also had a four-foot giraffe statue in the dining area and I now need one at my house.
I’d also settle for a comparable water buffalo.
Or a ring-tailed lemur.
Emma and Mike:
They met his very-Italian family, and apparently that Italian part is significant.
I’ve seen Master of Disguise. Unless this family has a top-secret pasta vault involving Brent Spiner, I’m not that invested.
Mike’s mom also looks like she could reasonably be Alex’s mom.
Discount Harfoot and Jess:
He spent the night out and didn’t tell her. His “13-hour break” apparently turned into 48 hours.
Sir.
He then told her he wasn’t actually attracted to her body type because she doesn’t do daily Pilates.
Interestingly, he chose to reveal this after enthusiastically participating in vacation-level adult time.
It’s a strong move.
Sure, she has a mild case of crazy eyes, but she’s far from an ogre—and even Fiona cleaned up nicely.
Meanwhile, he’s the physical embodiment of a pre-Hobbit evolutionary diagram.
He now holds the title of the new Mr. Glizzy.
Episode 9:
We resume with this roller hotdog of a person talking to Jess.
He declared his undying libido for Bri’s body over the actual relationship with his fiancée…to his fiancée.
She ended it, which I’m sure nobody saw coming at all.
Except me.
He later said in a cutaway interview something like, “I’m not attracted to her fitness level and don’t want to be with her because of that. If she can’t handle it, that’s her choice.”
There’s nothing like the confidence of a man who needs a stepstool to reach the faucet but still critiques your fitness level.
Alex and Ashley:
They met his mom; she said he’s had a rough time with women because they haven’t been authentic or loyal to him.
Perhaps—and I’m spitballing—he hasn’t been overly authentic or loyal himself?
Ashley pressed him about past relationships. He gave his usual non-answers. Eventually, he admitted to “seeing” multiple women on overlapping timelines.
That’s a clever way to say “cheating.”
But don’t worry—this loyal and authentic gentleman reassured her (and us) that he’s 100% confident there wasn’t any overlap. And if there was, which there wasn’t, then it doesn’t actually count as cheating.
Phew. Glad that’s settled.
Also, what’s happening with the hair curl thing? I have aggressively curly hair and mine doesn’t even do that.
Emma and Mike:
They met her family and Mike, like every childless person at some point, compared having a dog to having kids. Her sister chided him because it’s not the same.
Shortly after, that same sister said that if she could redo her life, she wouldn’t have her kids.
That is… a bold statement to make on the world’s largest streaming platform.
She went on to say there’s a “beautiful thing” about living just for yourself without kids.
Sure. It’s beautiful. In the same way a folding chair is technically furniture. It may hold you up for a minute, but don’t pretend it’s part of a luxury dining table set.
Her mom added that nobody should have to justify wanting or not wanting kids.
I disagree. I think people should think that through deeply and be able to articulate their reasoning.
She also said kids will absolutely ruin your life and vacations.
But they love kids.
Allegedly.
Her sister also pronounced “aunt” like “auuuuunt” instead of “ant.”
Eww.
This whole family has the collective personality of a chicken’s cloaca.
Devonta and Brittany:
He made medium-rare chicken and it became an ordeal.
Yes, chicken can technically be safe below 165 if held at temp long enough—which is one of my preferred ways to smoke it, thanks to the Mad Scientist BBQ guy.
She was upset because he didn’t call her pretty often enough, and he admitted he avoided doing it only because she told him to.
He later said, “You know me, I’m a simple man.”
Yes, sir. It’s abundantly clear.
The amount of money I would pay for a CliffsNotes version of this show…
Wait.
This series is the CliffsNotes version.
Dagnabbit.