Re: Love Is Blind Season 10, Part One
It’s back and worse than ever. Both this dumb blog series and the even dumber reality show. Enter: Love Is Blind, Season 10.
Fret not, everyone. I have braved the emotional and psychological fire and darkness of the pod-dating Balrog and watched this atrocious televised entertainment so you don’t have to.
Seriously, when I eventually die and get to Heaven, this public service for the betterment of mankind needs to be reflected in my eternal performance review.
I know these people have names and occupations and presumably function in the real world somehow, but I do not understand how.
Also, where do these people buy their clothes? Did the producers pillage and plunder a 23andMe or a Forever 21? There is so much satin, silk, and crocheted attire that I’m fairly certain it violates at least three state statutes and one federal regulation. If not, it should.
Also also, I’ve officially decided that not all body types are meant for satin and silk.
If I’m ever elected to public office, I will ban those fabrics along with crop tops and men wearing dress shoes without socks. But I digress.
Episode 1
This one girl—Emma. I think that’s her name. She definitely has a name. Anyway, she was adopted and has significant scarring on one arm. She said she might want kids. Or might not. She’s unsure. In the pod with some guy—Mike?—he said he wants kids, but only after he and his future wife (presumably Emma) do alllll the life things first. Travel. Elaborate vacations. Become comfortable, complete, fulfilled, whole, self-actualized, emotionally hydrated, etc. Then, and only then, children.
This dude-bro has terrible ideas.
As someone with kids, yes, vacations are more complicated. They are also exponentially more fun. For example, hypothetically speaking, if someone were to go to an aquarium in Tampa, Florida and get overly excited about the ringtail lemurs on the second floor above the open tanks with birds flying around, people might stare. But if that same someone has kids with him and goes full Kratt Brothers, it’s suddenly adorable.
Not that I would know from personal experience.
Later, Emma was talking to another slightly flamboyant guy (Steven?) about her surgeries and how her arm has impacted her entire dating life, how tough it is to be her, and so on.
Now listen. Gabby coerced me into watching further episodes that I haven’t written about yet, and I can say with 100% confidence that the aesthetics of her left upper extremity are not at all the reason dating has been difficult for her.
The issue is her personality, which is not unlike a 2002 Saturn SL2 fresh from the police impound lot after a narcotics-related seizure.
I get it. I’m a sensitive, reasonable fellow. She’s had struggles. I was hesitant at first about saying her issues are personality related, but approximately three minutes after opening up about her arm, she snapped at the guy for…reasons? And that confirmed my 2002 Saturn theory.
Episode 2 (and possibly 3 — it’s all blurring together and I resent that I know this much information in the first place)
The black guy with the cool hair (Vic?) is super chill and seems normal. I am less enthusiastic about the white lady with the angel wing back tattoo. I don’t remember why I dislike her so much—my notes are vague—but honestly, the angel wings might be sufficient explanation all on their own.
Also, absolutely no one cares about them being an interracial couple as much as the Netflix producers care. It’s 2026, nobody gives a hoot.
Emma is still hung up on men not liking her as much as she wants them to and seems convinced it’s about her appearance, which, again, they cannot see because Love Is Blind. Her issue remains 100% her personality, which now strikes me as the emotional equivalent of a taupe reusable grocery bag.
She told Mike and Connor (white guy with a beard? I dunno anymore) that she has decided she doesn’t want kids because she doesn’t know her biological family’s medical history. At least that’s some sort of rationale.
Both guys told her she would be an incredible mother purely because she was adopted.
They’re both idiots. Personal adversity alone does not automatically translate into maternal excellence. Actually, that sentence would make for a respectable back tattoo. I like it so much I’ll type it again for funzies: Personal adversity alone does not automatically translate into maternal excellence.
There’s another guy—I don’t remember his name—who described himself as a “big dumb oaf.” I think I heard him say that correctly. If not, maybe I’m projecting, which feels like something I should unpack later.
But anyone with the self-awareness to identify as a Big Dumb Oaf (BDO) gets provisional approval from me—within the context of a show that should not exist.
He’s interested in a blonde woman with a kid. She is…intense. She told a story about being humiliated one time in high school involving a shirt with a planet on it. I didn’t fully track the narrative arc, but it ended with her explaining that she has trained herself to default to telling people to get stuffed (with stronger language) and not care about the fallout.
Emma may be a 2002 Saturn, but this blonde woman is more like an unvaccinated elderly shelter dog that desperately wants affection but also might bite you and statistically probably will.
Actually, this blonde woman will go into my folder titled “Anecdotal Evidence Of Why Kids Are Better Off Homeschooled.”
There’s also a man who wore a crocheted sweater without an undershirt, and it chafed me emotionally. He should have been removed from the show on textile grounds alone.
He was talking to a woman who is apparently wearing a watch for the first time ever. Her grandfather told her a watch reminds you of how much time you have left, so she bought one specifically for this show. First watch of her life.
- No, ma’am. A watch tells you what time it is. It does not quantify your remaining lifespan unless it has a countdown feature tied to a pacemaker battery or LVAD or some other such device.
- Hard pass, itchy sweater guy. Drop her like second-period French. She is a thirty-something (I think?) and is just now acquiring a timepiece.
She also said marriage must be rooted in love because many marriages she’s seen involve settling.
- Correct. Love is, in fact, the baseline ingredient of marriage.
- Every marriage is “settling” in the literal sense. Settling means you stop actively looking because you found the person you want. You choose them. You stay. You don’t shop around anymore. That’s the point. Sheesh.
My head hurts. I can’t believe I am doing this again.
And after reviewing my notes, this is only from the first two episodes.
There are eight more episodes.
Eight.
If this is how civilizations fall, I would like it noted that I tried to warn everyone.