Re: Love Is Blind Season 9
There’s a new season of Love is Blind on Netflix and I have opinions.
There’s a new season out, and Gabby coerced me into watching the first two episodes last night.
HOLY COW—HOW ARE THESE ACTUAL PEOPLE?
Disclaimer: I’ve previously written about what I would do if I were on the show. You can read that here.
Seriously. I get the whole “love makes you gooey” thing, but this can’t be real.
Disclaimer #2: There might be slight spoilers for the first few episodes. But honestly, can a show like this even have “spoilers”? It’s reality trash TV, not a “Luke, I am your father” moment. (Oh, spoiler for that one I guess…)
So we’re watching this show, and I’m pretty sure it’s filled with the most unserious people ever—people who actually think they’re special. For example, two contestants got engaged. Whilst sitting on the couch after meeting face-to-face for the first time, the conversation legitimately went like this:
Ali: “My necklace has an A for Ali, but it can be an A for Anton now…”
Anton: “You know, when we get married and you change your last name to mine, we’ll have the same last name and the same first and last initials.”
Ali: “Oh baby, you’re the best.”
Next up was Sparkle Megan—or at least I think it was Sparkle Megan. Honestly, it was the skinny blonde girl with lip filler, which is basically all of them.
Anyway, she was talking to one of the dude bros and it went like this:
SM: “I want to settle down and have kids. I want you to be the breadwinner, the leader, protector, and defender, and I’ll follow you to hell and back. I also love the idea of being a nurturing mom. I just love the traditional idea of a nurturing mother.”
DB: “Oh yeah, I get that. I’d support you in that.”
SM: “Also, though, I want to stay active and do what I want, when I want. I’ll always work. I’ll never not work. I want to be fierce and independent and in charge of the house and protect the family. I just don’t know if I could be a mom though. I love the idea of it; I just don’t know if it’s for me since I definitely want to work full-time and not have kids for several years.”
DB: “Oh yeah, I get that. I’d support you in that.”
How. Are. These. Real. People.
I’ve also learned that when women on this show (this season and previous ones) say they’ve “struggled in relationships” because they’re “ambitious,” “independent,” and “strong,” it often translates to: “I’m stubborn and a bit of a tool bag, and that makes men lose interest in me once they figure it out.” 100% of the time.
To piggyback on that, a lot of them said things like, “When we build our empire together…”
What empire? Call me old-fashioned, but there aren’t any empires to be built. Maybe they’ll construct one off the “vibes” they have with each other. Yes, an Empire of Vibes.
How. Are. These. Real. People.
I’d also love to see a Venn diagram of people who believe this show is 100% authentic and people who believe the moon landing was faked. I bet it’d have complete overlap and be just one big circle.
Also, apparently none of these contestants like traditional gender roles and they’re full of horse malarkey. This one dude bro—a white dude with brown hair and a scruffy beard (so, all of them)—goes:
DB: “Baby, I want to be your rock, but you also have to be mine. I want to go fight the battles and defend the house when there’s a bump in the night, but I want you to fight them with me too.”
Lip filler lady: “Oh baby, absolutely. I want that too.”
No. As the husband, it’s your responsibility to hand your wife the gun from the closet, tell her to take a strategic position in the bedroom, and call 911 while you grab the other gun, leave the relative safety of the room, and go find the whatever nefarious thing made the bump to neutralize it. That’s your job as the man of the house. There is no such thing as “I want you to go bump hunting with me.”
And if there are kids in the house? Even more imperative that you, the husband/protector/defender, secure them before the thing that went bump causes problems.
Oh, and speaking of kids: one of the dude bros said,
DB: “Oh baby, when I have kids—which won’t be until well after you’re finished with your career and settled several years down the road—I want to pass down my values to them. I want to be present and love them and love you and do things with you and them as a family.”
Silly lip filler lady: “Oh baby, that’s so sweet of you. I absolutely love that. You’re so smart and deep. You’re going to be a great dad.”
First of all, if they wait that long to have kids, they’ll each be solidly in their 40s. That’s fine, but don’t pretend like it’s peak physical timing to start reproducing.
Second, no kidding, you pumpkin-headed idiot. Everyone who wants kids on purpose wants to love them, pass on their values, and be a family. I have yet to hear of legitimately anyone who has said, “No, I don’t want to love my kids or pass on my values.”
How. Are. These. Real. People.
I got quite vocal and irritated during this three-episode binge. Gabby can attest to it. I don’t normally get outspoken or borderline belligerent during shows, but this was crazy.
On a heavier note: they’ve included some huskier people this season, so the show is becoming more body-inclusive now—which is good if you’re one of the people who care about that sort of thing.
How. Are. These. Real. People.
Also, is this what dating is like now? Sheesh. I’m so glad I’m off the market and married to the best wife of all wives.
Good grief. I have never been more grateful to be where I’m at in life.