Re: Love Is Blind Season 9, Part Four
It’s finally over.
Except for the reunion episode, which doesn’t count—so practically speaking, it’s finally over.
Remember a long time ago in the Old Testament, with the Exodus story and the ten plagues? This could’ve been the eleventh. I know the death of the firstborn was the big finisher to get Pharaoh to release the Israelites, but I think forcing Pharaoh to watch this show around plague two would’ve done the trick.
For me personally, I’m not mad at myself… just disappointed. I can do better than this with my streaming entertainment decisions.
But here’s the recap, so you don’t also have to waste your time and be traumatized by this drivel.
In one of the episodes, the guy with the alcohol problem (Anton?) compared drinking two twelve-packs of beer in a couple of days to the tattoo lady not cleaning up after herself when she gets home from work. Oh, and he might’ve downed at least half a bottle of tequila and forgotten about it. But don’t worry—he assured Ali (and the rest of us) that he definitely doesn’t have a problem.
His very Russian mother arrived later and was like, “Traditional values are the best values.” Finally, a sentiment on this show I can get behind! Actually, for season ten—which I definitely won’t watch unless coerced—can they just remove all the participants and only have their parents? That would be a delight.
Elsewhere, the butterfly tattoo lady and Mr. Glizzy were bickering. Well, he was bickering, and she provided backstory and context to his bad behavior at the western-themed party. Somehow, he turned every apology into a backhanded performance of: “It must be nice for you to at least hear something nice since you’re always mean to me,” explaining that he was actually the real victim for her having the nerve to be upset with him being a legitimate wiener. He apologized several more times, and each one followed that pattern. I’m calling one foul per apology.
Oh, KB wanted to throw the ring off the mountain—a sentiment I wholly appreciate. I also would like to throw myself off a mountain, thanks to this show. But KB, you gotta pawn that ring. And she still ended up apologizing to him. From where I sit, the only things she needed to do were: 1) slap him (physically and emotionally), and 2) apologize to the general public for staying with him and forcing us to watch it.
Haircut lady and the definitely-straight watch guy were having a tiff. She told him she didn’t think he loved her as much as she wanted him to. He voiced concerns about marrying her, and she responded that marriage is “important, like buying a house.” Then she begged him to marry her. They ended up breaking up, I think. I stopped paying attention. Essentially, the haircut lady desperately needed a hairstylist, and the definitely-straight guy definitely wanted her to be a dude. That’s my theory anyway.
Sparkle Megan met Tattoo Guy’s son. She said overnight his glucometer/insulin pump/diabetes monitor alerted because his glucose was too low or too high, and that it would take a lot to get used to. She added that since her dad had diabetes, if anyone could fill the role of his mom, it would be her. Silly me—I thought the best person to fill that role would’ve been his actual mom, not a very wealthy, entitled blonde lady.
Somewhere else in this world of terrible editorial decisions, the guys went tux shopping. Joe, the not-blind girl’s fiancé, just up and left because it was stressful. They broke up later.
During the breakup scenes, I’m calling one foul on her for using the word “literally” too much, and an additional foul for each time she used it incorrectly. My estimate: about 18 fouls. Also, good for that dude for ending it if he knew it wasn’t right.
Sparkle Megan had an odd affinity for numerology with house addresses, and it wasn’t consistent. One house she added the digits together; another, the total number was just the number. It didn’t make sense. I’ll give her two fouls for causing me to write about it. I wonder what the numerology is on that…
Markle Spegan was also upset because Tattoo Guy wasn’t talking enough and whined about her schedule—L.A. Tuesday-Thursday, then Aspen another day, then 10 a.m. tennis or something—and he reminded her that kids change things. She seemed shocked, as if she had never registered that kids tend to change schedules until just then.
Episode 12 (almost done):
Two blonde girls were talking to Ali about Anton being a truck driver and looked down their noses at it. Eventually, one said, “Ali, you’re talking to two about-to-be-divorced women.” Ali replied, “Good point, let me talk to some women who are happily married.” Congrats, Ali—that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all season.
Weddings:
Ali said no to Anton, and KB said no to Mr. Glizzy. There were only two weddings since everyone else broke up ahead of time, which was nice—but I wish they’d just declined doing the show in the first place so none of us would be in this situation (me having to watch it, you having to read this).
When KB told Mr. Glizzy “no” at the alter, he literally winced and half-wailed like he had been stabbed. In Season 3 of Jack Ryan (played by John Krasinski), Jack was being tortured by having boiling water dumped on him and then had salt thrown on him on top of it. He reacted less violently than Glizzy McGlizzardpants.
This inspired me to ask ChatGPT: how many minutes collectively throughout the season had Glizzy spent crying, pouting, or otherwise fussing? The estimate was eight minutes. I think it’s a lowball number, but emotionally it definitely felt like… all the minutes.
There was a cutscene with Sparkle Megan and Tattoo Guy. She was unhappy that he’s a picky eater and repetitive with food. Listen, lady—that’s a feature, not a bug. Who needs variety when you can have consistency? “Oh no, I don’t know what to buy because there are too many options” doesn’t exist. More like, “Oh boy! I know exactly what to buy because it’s only seven things.” It’s wonderful.
I have references too! Just ask Gabby how convenient my pickiness makes grocery shopping.
She also seemed to realize for the first time that Tattoo Guy has a kid and that kids change everything. Then there was B-roll of her looking forlornly out the window with narration about whether she’s even fit to be a mother. My opinion: no, she’s not currently ready because she isn’t willing to adjust her lifestyle for another person. Kids change everything; priorities have to shift.
I swear, this show is so terrible. How are these real people?
There was a voice overlay at the end of one of the officiants’ speeches. I’m still trying to decipher it, but I know I disliked it:
“Love isn’t happily ever after. Love is the experience of writing your story. It’s not one moment, not even this one. It’s every moment. Big ones like saying ‘I love you,’ like getting engaged, but mostly, a million little ones that come in between the big moments. It’s running errands together, hanging with friends, going out to dinner, staying in to cuddle, or simply falling asleep next to one another. Those everyday moments fuse together into one shared experience. Your story.”
I watched that section a few times with subtitles on. I can’t tell if “your story” at the end is singular or plural.
If it’s plural—meaning “your story, both of you”—I could maybe get behind it.
If it’s singular—“your story, you alone”—then it turns into a “only you can love yourself” nightmare, which is what the fading-in of Miley Cyrus’s Flowers song implies.
Part of me is surprised that this allegedly pro-marriage show starring very serious singles who take getting married seriously would include this progressive “only you can love yourself” twist. But then again, the show hasn’t really hidden the ball. It’s been showcasing this for nine seasons. It’s trash TV pretending to be highbrow when convenient.
This show is so terrible. I’m going back to watching The Hunting Public deer hunt videos on YouTube as a palate cleanser. Just last night, one of the guys took his kid out for an evening hunt. Now that’s wholesome. Or maybe I’ll go back to playing Jenga with my small humans. That’s also wholesome.