Re: Love Is Blind Season 9, Part Three
I’ve continued watching this genuinely terrible show, still without Gabby.
I finished episode nine and briefly had a glimmer of hope. I thought to myself, Oh great! This season is finally over! And then I realized they haven’t even had the weddings yet, they’d only just started meeting families, and Netflix cheerfully notified me that more episodes are coming Wednesday.
Oh joy. I’m so dumb.
Full disclosure: I may have had one or several surprise naps throughout the last couple of episodes. Between the naps and my derisive disdain for this dumpster fire of dating debauchery, my recollection of events might be… less than accurate.
But it’s fine. We’ll all have fun together—and you won’t need to watch the show ever, since I’m falling on that rusty, tetanus-covered sword for all of us. Not entirely unlike those times I read Rachel Hollis’s Girl, Wash Your Face or Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragilitybooks. Except with those, I actually paid attention. And boy, am I even more set in my ways now.
But I digress.
This show is awful. They’re all meeting families and such now.
The one blonde girl who wants to “settle down but also be independent” (Sparkle Megan?) introduced her mom and sister (I think) to the sleeve-tattoo guy who has a son with Type I diabetes. Her mom and sister seem to be the most normal people who’ve appeared on this show yet. Things got weird when they said, “OMG! Sleeve Tattoo Guy’s son has Type I diabetes? That’s just like Sparkle Megan’s dad, who had Type II diabetes! This must be a sign from him that they should be together!”
The family also asked about his vasectomy, and he said he’d chosen to have it so that whichever lady he’s romantically involved with doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant and that it could always be reversed.
I have concerns. At least in the state of Indiana, a vasectomy is considered a permanent, irreversible procedure. Sure, reversals sometimes work, but according to ChatGPT, if it’s been over three years, pregnancy following a reversal is only about 50–55% likely. That seems quite slim to treat it like a casual, “I’ll just have the doctor reconnect some wires and we’ll be good to go again” situation, but that sentiment seems to permeate this show.
It could all just be coincidence that everyone on the show happens to share the exact same opinion about vasectomies and reversals… or, the cynical side of me wonders if there’s more of an agenda related to “alternative family planning options.” Who knows.
Also, Sleeve Tattoo Dude Bro made a protein shake by literally throwing a chicken breast, liquid, and a Crystal Lite packet into a blender—and drank it. If that’s not a tan-colored flag, I don’t know what is.
Later, he and Sparkle Megan met with a realtor at a $1.5 million house or something. They were talking about her selling her fancy house in L.A. and him moving in, with her paying for all of it—but he didn’t want to be a freeloader. It was weird. When she asked his opinion, he basically said, “I don’t know if we need a 6,000-square-foot house with six bedrooms and six bathrooms for just you, my son, and me.” She looked flabbergasted.
Then he added, “I’m working class and financially minded, and this is… a lot.” And she was like, “The one thing Sparkle Megan don’t skimp on is housing.” Then it circled back to him chipping in, feeling like a freeloader, and contributing a percentage relative to income or something.
Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Dave Ramsey podcasts, it’s that after marriage, you and your spouse become French. Bank accounts, money, mortgages—everything turns into “We.”
In another episode (or maybe the same one—I’ve lost track), more families met their people. All of the dads and father figures had this same expression and unspoken dialogue:
“How. Are. These. People. Real. Also, was I not involved enough in my daughter’s life that she ended up on this awful show with this awful dude?”
From the collective dude-bro side:
“This girl has crazy eyes and talks like a buffoon. Was her father not involved in her life? Sheesh…”
Later on, the reunion episode was at a cowboy-themed bar. The older, successful Asian Dude Bro who originally wanted Sparkle Megan (before she picked Sleeve Tattoo Guy) started talking to her. He said, “Just so you know, I almost slid into your DMs. I didn’t, but I thought about it. That’s the cocky side of me. Also, looking at the ring he picked for you, I would’ve gotten you a better one.”
She just stared at him awkwardly and kept drinking.
After some B-roll, it cut back to him saying, “So… did you make a mistake saying yes to him? You sure? You know, if you weren’t engaged right now, I’d definitely go after you. So are you sure you still want to be engaged?”
What. A. Chode.
He and Urkel should have a contest to see who most closely resembles a gas-station glizzy, because that’s a royally big wiener move.
At the other end of the cowboy bar, the other Asian dude, the one rejected by the formerly Mormon blonde girl with lip filler, was talking to the Asian woman I’d forgotten existed. Apparently, they were almost a thing. It got awkward fast.
He said, “You were my number one. I wanted to be with you, but you left, so I went with the blonde formerly Mormon girl with lip filler.”
She said, “Asian Dude Bro Who’s Smooth Like a Baby Seal, you can’t do that. You can’t just pick another girl as a consolation prize. You can’t just do that.”
He acted confused and didn’t seem to understand the problem.
Now, I’m all for saying marriage is “settling” by definition—you’ve picked your person, you’re not shopping anymore, so technically, it’s a form of settling. But this sealskin doofus was doing the bad kind of settling: “I can’t have the one I want, so you’ll do, I guess.”
Actually, add him to the glizzy competition with the other two nitwits. That’s a wiener move too.
This show is so dumb.
Oh, and then Urkel was whining to his fiancée and the general public (which is a surprise to legitimately no one) about how other couples looked happier than them. He fussed that she wasn’t “positive” or “affirmative” enough. Her response was a respectable, “Do you really think this is the proper place to discuss this?” He doubled down. So I guess he did think it was a good time.
I’d like for the Let’s Digress Dating Committee to add a foul to his running tab and move him one position forward in the glizzy competition.
Based on all the morally questionable conversations scattered through these episodes, I think I’ve figured out the Dude Bro Formula for Success on this show:
- Be rude, disrespectful, or otherwise less than upstanding to the women.
- Tell the women you love and value them, give a convoluted apology, and repeat that they’re attractive, loved, and valued by you.
- They’ll forgive whatever you did, and boom—you’re back in their good graces.
To circle back from earlier, I’m pretty sure these relationship dynamics are what happen when dads are out of the home, not active in their daughters’ lives, and when no-fault divorce and single-parent households run rampant. But that’s probably a different post for another time.
This show is awful.
Now, please excuse me while I go hug my daughters and then look for a good wall to smash my head through.