The Toddler Chronicles, No. 16
Featuring a guest article by the best wife of all wives, Gabby.
Before you had kids, did you ever think to yourself, “I wonder what random household objects my children will insist on sleeping with?” No? Me neither.
So the other day, I was cleaning the garage when the girls stumbled upon their bicycle helmets that they’ve had since two summers ago. Instantly, their giggles erupted as they proudly clipped them on like they were gearing up for a Tour de Driveway. Lyla zoomed around on her bike like a tiny unicorn-powered daredevil, while Charlotte sauntered through the garage wearing hers backwards, more as a fashion statement.
Apparently, unbeknownst to Adam and me, Lyla had formed a deep emotional bond with her unicorn helmet. And since Charlotte is currently in a phase where everything Lyla loves, she loves ten times harder, helmets are now the hot bedtime accessory. Which brings me to how I found myself uttering the sentence I never thought I’d say as a parent: “If you don’t stop fighting, I’m taking away your helmets!”
Yes, I was threatening to confiscate their protective headgear. Solid parenting, I know.
Fast forward to bedtime and they insisted on sleeping with their helmets that night. And wouldn’t you know it—within minutes—they were both sound asleep, lovingly snuggled up to hard plastic noggin protectors.
Once the sugarplums started dancing in their heads, I crept into their room like a cat burglar of Helmettown. I gently slid Charlotte’s off the bed so she wouldn’t roll over and give herself a concussion in her sleep and nudged Lyla’s to the foot of her bed like the Grinch sneaking toys on Christmas Eve.
Fifteen minutes later, just as my head hit the pillow, I heard: “Mom! Where’s my helmet?!”
I responded over the monitor like the defeated 24-hour concierge that I was: “I’ll be up in a minute.”
I did the walk of shame upstairs to hand my four-year-old her beloved unicorn helmet so she could cuddle it the rest of the night like it was a stuffy.
The next day, we drove up to Fishers to shop for bedroom furniture. Lyla was hyped to visit the “fancy” Goodwill. Side note: if a $0.99 Barbie dollhouse closet and $1.99 plastic shark keep them happy and occupied and facilitates me shopping in peace, I’m here for it.
Adam, however, considers this kind of outing “meander shopping,” which he loathes. (This is also a man who voluntarily sits in a camo tent in the middle of nowhere waiting for a deer to maybe stroll by. But I digress.)
Naturally, both girls insisted on bringing their helmets for the trip. They both wore their helmets into multiple stores. There Lyla was, strolling across the parking lot holding my hand, rocking a pink unicorn helmet like she owned the place and Adam was carrying Charlotte upside down, helmet only hanging on by the chinstrap. When we reached one of the Goodwill checkouts, we had to clarify to the cashier that yes, the helmets were theirs…from home.
I swear, they have actual toys. Lots of toys.
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lyla asked to wear it to jiu-jitsu tomorrow.
A note from Adam:
Um, hi. It seems my platform has been hijacked to some extent. I’ll allow it though, but only because Gabby is the best wife of all wives.
I can attest that her story is true and accurate.
I can also attest that I will 100% sit in a deer blind (I’ll be in a tree saddle this year) and wait for hours and hours and hours for a deer to stroll by. I’m also happy to sit in the woods and try to seduce a bird with a brain the size of a walnut to come say hi. It’s typical manly man things.
I can also also attest that I absolutely loathe aimless shopping where one just “browses” to see what might tickle the fancy to buy.
Meander shopping.
I hate it so much. I hate it with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand burning suns inside of a supernova; I hate it more than Simon Cowell hates everyone else; I hate it more than Kanye West hated Taylor Swift over that music thing several years ago; I hate it more than the One Direction guys hate everyone else having the ability to hear; I hate it more than Katniss hated President Snow; I hate it more than Daenerys Targaryen hated Cersei Lannister; I hate it more than Will Smith hated Chris Rock’s jokes about Will’s wife; I hate it more than that guy and lady from 50 Shades hated a normal functional relationship; I hate it more than 2025 Kanye West hates 2015 Kanye West.
In fact, I hate meander shopping so much I wrote an entire blog post about it.
Wow, that was kind of cathartic.
I’m Adam, thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Also, enjoy these pictures of our children wearing helmets in atypical places.
