10 Valentine’s Day Tips

Since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, I have decided to share 10 somewhat helpful tips for women to help them score a date and hopefully find love or something.

Now, since I’m a happily married man and am married to a woman, it is safe to say that I have legitimately won the dating game and am now a credible source for these kinds of romance tips. 

So, ladies, don’t question my advise. Just go with it. It’s all valid and true in one context or another. Besides, if you wanted real advise you would be reading some awful list on Everyday Feminism or Cosmo about your sexual prowess and hidden girl power and how men don’t deserve you or some other nonsense. 

It wouldn’t be good advise, but it would real in the sense that some idiot—most likely an über single female with no credibility and a hairless pet or small dog—had written it. If you wanted real and good advise, you would talk to your long-term married friends with functional marriages and read Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. 


1. Don’t be crazy. 

Still reading? Good. Don’t be crazy and meet some guy from the interwebs. Seriously, it is incredibly unlikely that you’ll find a good, long-term guy on Tinder, Craigslist personal ads, or from friending that random guy on Facebook you’ve creeping on who is a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. Seriously. Srsly. That’s weird. However, it does highly increase your odds of being kidnapped, held as prisoner in a basement until death, and then having your body held in a freezer until your corpse is no longer suitable for “activities.” Your life would literally turn into an episode Criminal Minds.

2. Ask the dude out.

Come on, it’s 2019. Just ask the guy out. It’s not a big deal. Be that empowered, strong woman #ladyboss thing you womenfolk are always hashtagging and going on about. You’re telling me that you’re a strong, independent woman who ain’t need no man until it comes time to ask the guy out who you’ve been flirting with for weeks/months? Just ask the dude out.* It’s not hard. And if you’ve been flirting, then he’ll probably say yes. And if he doesn’t say yes, then perhaps you should move your romantic interests elsewhere where they would be more appreciated.

*Don’t ask him out if he’s married or in a committed relationship. That’s wrong. Also, if he’s married or in a committed relationship, then he definitely should not be flirting with you. That’s über bad on him. But just because it’s bad on him doesn’t mean it’s not bad on you if you’re involved and know what’s going on with his bad behavior. If this is the case, leave that silliness alone and walk away. 

3. Keep your pants on.

Contrary to what all of the Hallmark movies, 50 Shades novels, CW television shows, and checkout-line magazines say, statistically speaking, the most practical thing to do is to keep your pants on. Seriously, statistics show that it is ridiculously practical to save coital actives for marriage. Besides, you don’t want to be that stereotypical girl who has coital interactions with a dude on Valentine’s Day just because you happen to be on a date on Valentine’s Day. It’s not even a real holiday.

4. Not all men are tools, but some are.

Some guys are tools, but most aren’t. If the man you’re interested in is a tool, then you need to sing that dreadful song from Frozen and let.him.go. Find a different one. There are legitimately tons of other guys out there and you’re a well-rounded, respectable, industrious woman who deserves a non-toolish guy. Ask your functionally-married people if he’s a tool or not; they’ll know. They always know.

5. Pay for the food.

Girl, it’s 2019 and you asked him out. Pay for the food.

But don’t worry, you’re not paying for the food just as a meager act of benevolence. You’re also paying for the food to see how he reacts to you paying for it. Will he offer to pay all instead? Try to split it with you? Will he be gracious and thankful that you were kind enough to pay for the food? 

His reaction to you paying for the food could answer the question about if he’s a tool or not, among other things.

6. Go to a movie.

If you paid for the food, let him pay for the movie. Or if he paid for the food, then you pay for the movie. Or pay for both. Or let him pay for both. Whatever works. But his reaction to what you do here could also answer a few questions about his character. 

Going to the movies is a classic date. It’s a classic date activity for a reason: it’s easy. And it’s mellow. It’s literally both of you sitting in a dimly lit room watching a movie. It doesn’t involve copious amounts of talking about heavy topics (there will plenty of time for that later). And you can watch his reactions to things in the movie. How he reacts to that stuff can also fill in questions about his character. 

Really, you should think of the whole food-movie date night as a documentary on Discovery Chanel: You are observing and mentally documenting the behaviors of the man-creature up close and personal with multiple classes of stimuli and environments and deciding if this man-creature would be worthy of procreating with eventually.

That’s how I thought of it when Gabby and I were dating. And now we’re married. It totally works.

7. Coffee is just coffee.

If you’re not going on a classic food-movie date and just getting coffee with the guy for an hour, remember: coffee is just coffee. It’s not a formal date; it’s barely a personal interview. It’s just socializing with another human who may or may not reciprocate your romantic inclinations. Don’t think of it as caffeinating with your soulmate because, 1) soulmates don’t exist, and 2) it’s just coffee.

8. Until coffee isn’t just coffee.

That being said, coffee is just coffee…until coffee isn’t just coffee. At some point that coffee time will either turn into a more committed romantic pursuit where you’ll try to woo each other or it will die off into bleak nothingness. 

Ask your functionally-married friends about it. If you don’t know if it’s happening or not, they will. The functionally-married friends always know.

9. Date for marriage.

If you’re wanting to possibly marry the dude you’ve been romantically inclined toward who reciprocates your romantic inclinations with you, then you both need to date with marriage in mind.**

All dating relationships either end in marriage or end in a break up. There’s no way around it. You and this dude should date with marriage as the end goal. If you’ve been dating for a while and marriage isn’t both of your end goals, then you need to end it and stop wasting each others time and emotional currency. 

If neither of you want marriage as a possibility but want to keep dating for whatever reason, then that’s just silly.

**If you’re wanting to marry this guy and you’re one of those rare episodes of Criminal Minds where the un-sub is a crazy female stalker/killer, ignore everything you’ve read and immediately check yourself in at a hospital for a psych eval. And let the hostage(s) in your basement loose.

10. Let the fart out.

Oh, it’s going to happen eventually. So just rip that bandaid off and fart in front of him. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll have been holding them in for quite a while and not farting in front of you, or at least trying to hide it from you. So do you both a favor and cut that cheese. 

Be warned: Breaking the fart barrier isn’t for the faint of heart. Generally speaking, he’ll pass much more gas than you will. But it’ll take your relationship to a much higher level. And how he reacts to you farting in front of him will reveal more about his character and how he reacts under duress. 

1 thought on “10 Valentine’s Day Tips

  1. This is great! I must say, there are a lot of tools out there to compliment the crazy women. Also, farting. Lol That’s a good one.

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