An Open Valentine’s Day Letter

An open Valentine’s Day letter to all the single ladies, the not-so-single ladies, and the soon-to-be-single ladies. 


Dear Womenfolk, 

I bid you greetings and tidings of good morrow!

Much like the speed and effervescence of a cheetah stalking and engaging in chase with an unsuspecting antelope, one of the most fatuous holidays of the year is sneakily approaching us. I’m speaking of none other than Valentine’s Day.

As is customary when giving opinions and forms of advice, I feel obligated to first list my credentials and experience before giving that advice to you all in order to establish credibility. 

First and foremost, I’m happily married to the best wife of all wives. Other men often challenge that assertion and state that their wife is the best wife of all wives, but I ardently disagree. As far as I’m aware, and according to all evidence I have been able to assess, the only other wife who could possibly come close to being placed anywhere near the platform of this apocryphal pedestal is Abigail Adams.

Secondly, since I’m married to the best wife of all wives, it means I won the dating game. Generally speaking, it’s profoundly unwise to heed romantic advice from single people. But since I’m not single anymore because I am, in fact, happily married to the best wife of all wives, it’s not unwise to heed my romantic advice. It’s arguably improvident, but not profoundly unwise.

Now that my credibility has been firmly established, I shall continue to the body of this letter. First, I will provide my opinion, then I shall deliver my advice, and following that I will close this letter, possibly with a post-close note. 

There’s a lot of abhorrent relationship advice floating around on the internet and in books from self-proclaimed experts on things. Most of that advice is legitimately awful. Some of the more execrable places to get that advice is from the Everyday Feminism, Cosmo, and Refinery29 websites, along with the books by Rachel Hollis and Mark Manson, to name a few. For those of you with hate mail because I stepped on some toes just now, please send it to adam@LetsDigress.com. You’ll get bonus points if you’re grammatically decent. 

Anyway, most of the silliness I’ve read on those websites and from those authors (I’ve written two reviews for Rachel’s books) encourages women to behave like men. Everything from #ShoutYourAbortion and how women should increase their sexual prowess in the name of feminine liberation as encouraged by Everyday Feminism to selflessly sacrificing being a present mother in order to be a fierce and strong female warrior in business just to prove to one’s own kids—and to men in general—that women can be entrepreneurs and successful business leaders like Rachel Hollis… 

Personally, I find this type of feminism quite off-putting. There are few things I disdain more than this flavor of feminism. Women are women; they don’t need to behave like men because, well, they’re not men and that’s what men are for. Also, I think Rachel’s selflessness is actually selfishness. But that’s another topic for another post.

Before things get excitable, I shall elaborate: Men and women are created equally and are both valuable. To say otherwise would be absurd. However, just because men and women are created with equal value doesn’t mean they’re created the same. Men and women are inherently different from each other, despite being created equal. This concept used to be common sense, but since feminism did the thing it seems to have fallen out of style. 

Generally speaking, women are more nurturing, tender, compassionate, caring, and delicate than men are. Men are basically the opposite; bigger, stronger, protective, goal-oriented, etc.

Take my wife for example, since she is the best wife of all wives. One of the things that initially attracted me to her was her compassion and tender demeanor. Seriously. If a baby coos, cries, or breathes within thirty feet of her you can literally watch her emotional womb engage and she’ll begin to swoon to wherever the small human is. I have yet to meet a man who does that, and I doubt I ever will because men and women are wired differently.

Call me crazy, but it almost seems like men and women are supposed to be monogamous and are designed to complement the other. But that could just be me…

Now, for that advice: 

Ladies, if you’re tired of being single and have been sucked into the cavernous cesspool of feminism and have been focused on being a fierce, strong, lady boss dedicated to proving to the patriarchy that women can be just like men, I have a suggestion for you: stop

In all honesty, I have yet to meet any single men looking for a serious relationship who are like, “Yeah, I’d love to meet a strong, fierce woman who is really set on becoming a crazy successful businesswoman.”

I’m sure some men are into that somewhere or other, but according to the ones I have talked to, none of them are interested in that silliness modern feminism is selling. Instead, they say things like, “I want to meet a woman who is warm and caring and wants kids.” 

I say all of that to say this: Ladies, perhaps, try being tender and warm instead of fierce and strong. You may be surprised at what happens. 

Sincerely, 

Adam

P.S. One of the biggest secrets to a happy marriage is this: You have to be married to my wife. You may have thought I was being hyperbolic with the “she’s the best wife of all wives,” but that’s straight-up no exaggeration. She is the best wife of all wives. Her taste in men is questionable, but otherwise, she’s quite delightful.


What are your thoughts? Comment below! Remember, be kind, and more importantly, be grammatically decent.

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