SEATTLE, WA—In a recent press conference held at the Let’s Digress Research Center’s satellite campus just outside of Seattle, Washington, one of the research teams disclosed the results of an unprecedented gender study.
After years of meticulous research and scientific study, the scientific researchers at the Let’s Digress Research Center have, in a groundbreaking discovery, discovered how many genders currently exist.
“Firstly,” began Pablo Mittendorf, senior researcher of his team of eight, “we would like to thank the Intellectual Diversity Team for their abundantly unceasing amount of emotional support, logistical assistance, monetary fortification, and of course, their home-brewed caffeinated beverages. We really couldn’t have completed this study without their support or their delightful liquid potations.”
Straightening his tie under the collar of his polo shirt, Mittendorf continued, “Now, down to the nitty gritty sciencey mumbo jumbo you all came to hear: We’ve been conducting this study for approximately four to seven years now, and only over the past five months or so have we actually made any real progress.”
Some of the reporters at the conference gasped in shock.
“Don’t worry,” Mittendorf said, sensing their dismay. “Initially, yeah, we felt kind of bad about wasting taxpayer dollars and not having any scientific traction. But then, a few months later, we realized that we worked for a private organization that doesn’t receive any taxpayer money. So all of the millions we used were given to us voluntarily by citizens as charitable contributions…and then it was taxed by the government. But let’s get back on track, please.”
Mittendorf dabbed the sweat off his forehead with a hankie and cleared his throat while an aide pulled out and displayed a large poster board with the acronym LGBTQ scrawled across it in boldface font.
“As many of you know,” the profusely perspiring Mittendorf stated, “it has been a rather big deal lately with not knowing the actual number of genders among humans. Then, about two weeks ago, while we were doing our quarterly Inclusivity Comprehension Examination Training, or ICE-T, as we call it, the answer to this multifaceted enigma showed its elusive and ever fleeting face.”
Pointing at the poster board excitedly, Mittendorf exuberantly said, “Can’t you see it? There! It’s been hiding under our noses unnoticed this whole time!”
Mittendorf continued explaining the intricacies of their study for another ninety minutes, eventually explaining that the “B” in “LGBTQ” stood for “bisexual,” and that since “bi” means “two,” then there are, in fact, two genders.