Let's Digress


I have a theory. Well, I have lots of theories, but only a few are worth reading about.

My current list of theories is:

1). The WNBA. It scares me…they’re all just so aggressive…It’s only a game.

2). Women’s UFC. That scares me more than the WNBA one. Seriously, when men UFC fight, they touch gloves, beat the snot out of each other, and then they touch gloves at the end and hug (usually there’s even a smile!). But with women’s UFC, there’s none of that. They’re all business and seem to genuinely hate the other person. No glove touching; if there is, it’s usually begrudgingly and with an undertone of spite and hatred. They’re just so frightening! Anyway…

3). Why do men typically only have one best friend but women have several best friends? Doesn’t that contradict the whole “best” part? You can’t have more than one best…then they would just be “good.” Oh, and if women have more than one best friend, do the other best friends know that they share the title with other “best” friends? It’s just so confusing!

However, none of those have to do with this entry other than the fact that they all involve women. This one is about selfies.

Don’t worry; I will use a male selfie example too (well, not an example; the thumbnail picture has a guy—Trainer Jarrod—in it), just so I don’t come across as a sexist person or something. Sure, selfies are predominately a feminine thing, but some men do it too…Even if it is much more rare.

The theory: Ugly people take more selfies than non-ugly people.

Yes, ridiculously attractive people can take a lot of selfies too, but ugly people take many more. Or maybe it just seems that way because it hurts to look at them… Either way, they take a lot of selfies.

Why? Well, I have a theory on that too! Ugly people take more selfies because they think it’s a numbers game, quantity over quality, or because they think they’re attractive when they’re not. Oh! Or, most likely, they take a lot of them because they have excessively low self-esteem and need the constant approval and validation from others. That could go for attractive people too, but uggo’s generally have lower self-esteem, comparatively speaking.

Wow, that sounded kind of judgmental of me… Hang on, let me air-out my emotions publicly with a selfie and caption it, “I may be a judgmental jerk…but I’m a right judgmental jerk. #You’reStillAnUggo #SorryNotSorry.”

Attractive people take selfies because they think that they’re doing an act of service to the general public. They think, “Hey, I’m aesthetically pleasing. I should share this with the world to make everyone happy.”

Ugly people think, “Well, my best friend is kind of attractive, so I can’t be that ugly. Oh, and my mom and sister both say I’m beautiful, so I must be! I should take one and share it with the public!”

The difference between the two: One is actually attractive; the other just takes pictures from awkward angles and hasn’t discovered how to cover up facial asymmetry. One, we “like” the picture because we actually like it, and the other we ignore/unfriend/pitty-“like” out of obligation because you might have helped cause them to think that.

You know who you are, and you suck for convincing them that they’re prettier than they really are. Sure, they can be “beautiful on the inside” or whatever, but inside doesn’t correlate with the outside generally. Seriously, that’s just mean…and it makes my eyes hurt. Especially when they put a caption on the picture of an out-of-context bible verse or a bad quote that doesn’t apply to the picture in any way at all.

I know, it sounds mean, and it might be. One ugly selfie every week or every other week might be ok… But 2-6 per day is excessive. It’s excessive for pretty people too, but those are happy to look at.

My solution: Try the reverse selfie. Hold your phone up just like you’re going to take a selfie, but flip the camera around so it is pointing outward instead of at your face. Bam, problem solved.

I should totally trademark that and create an app called “Reverse Selfie” where the entire concept revolves around what pictures would look like from the opposite view of a selfie.



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