Let's Digress

The Shared Wedding

My brother is getting married. I’ve mentioned it before, but the wedding is kind of sorta maybe almost gonna be here sometime soonish eventually. It’s sometime next month, I know that much. I think I requested off work for it…I’m pretty sure I did… No, I definitely did. If I could only remember when it is…

Remembering the wedding date wasn’t on my list of BM duties. [Note: BM stands for Best Man; not bowel movement. Even though the poopy one is much funnier…it took two weddings and a trip to Google for me to figure out that they weren’t the same.]

So, Trainer Jarrod (aka, Jared) is marrying Schelbi (aka, Shelby). The wedding will henceforth be referred to as The Shared Wedding. Shared, pronounced Share-ed; not shared. Pronouncing it “shared” would just be dumb sounding, and share-ed sounds much fancier. Who wants to go to a shared wedding? No one! This isn’t a double wedding like the one from the Brady Bunch movie. There will be no sharing going on…unless it’s wedding present related and it’s being shared with me. I know, that sounds selfish, but it’s one of the perks of being a BM. The BM.

Sorry, Co-BM. Tiny Alec (aka, Alex. Aka, Mega Midget. Aka, Tiny Alex. Aka, Little Cheech. Aka, Juan Pablo. Aka, Daniel Mittendwarf. Aka, Vanilla Barry White. Aka, Jonathan Jacob “Jingly” Schmidt. Aka, Han “I’m the size of an Ewok but a Wookie where it counts” Solo. Aka, Jason Dewhitelo. Aka, Charlie’s White-Chocolate Factory. Aka, Alec Winfrey. Aka, Ovaltine Jenkins. Aka, Methuselah Honeysuckle. Aka, Original G-string/Crowd Pleasa. Aka, Trending Ontwitter. Aka, Frodo. Aka, Zazu. Aka, Fun-sized Kramer. Aka, Domo Arigato. Aka, Mr. & Mrs. Whittleberry. Aka, Vanilla Twilight. Aka, Jackson Aldean. Aka, Clementine Woollysocks. Aka, Tonto. Aka, Posh Spice. Aka, Stuck Like “Sugarland” Glue. Aka, FantaZe-Plane Island. Aka, Tickle McEmo. Aka, Rodger Dodger. Aka. The Cellist for Hoobastank) is the other half of this oddly shared BM title. Pronounced, “shared,” not Share-ed.

So, Alex and I are co-best men. However, for the purposes of this blog and for the sake of my inner narcissism, I’ll be the real co-BM.

Jared and his groomsmen (Methuselah Honeysuckle and I included) are supposed to go to some store somewhere and get fitted for tuxes. I think he said something about going to Costco to get them…or did he say Sunoco referring to getting frozen Cokes? I don’t remember anymore. Maybe it was both. Probably both. Get frozen Cokes and then go to Costco. That sounds more like Jared.

I’m excited about this tux thing. Mainly because I like to shop. I especially like to shop when I get to buy/wear nice clothes. Especially when those clothes happen to be formal wear. Even more especially when there’s a high likelihood that I’ll get to bust out some of my dance moves while wearing said formal wear, James Bond style. No, not James Bond, Jaleel White. I get the two mixed up sometimes.

When I talked to my not-so-husky brother via the FaceTime the other day, he didn’t seem 100% set on what he wanted this formal wear to look like. All he really had his mind set on was: 1). The groomsmen are not allowed to wear blue jeans or kaki pants. 2). Adam cannot, under any circumstances, wear a solid white tux to the Shared Wedding. 3). Adam is not the best man; he’s the co-best man, regardless of what his mediocrely popular blog says.

So, being fully aware of those stupid rules, I went online tux shopping. I even [poorly on purpose] photoshopped mine and Jared’s faces on the tuxes to make it seem more realistic. Jared’s favorite color is green, so he gets the green tux. And my favorite color is classy-and-masculine-with-a-dash-of-pretty, so I get the charcoal and white tux (and it’s not 100% white, so it still complies to those ridiculous rules). Oh, and Little Cheech can get one of the charcoal and white ones too. We have to match, since we’re co-BM. Really, if Tonto and I were one person, we’d be a pretty epic BM. We’d be an epic and adorable BM. A BM with character and uniqueness; a BM that you’d write home to Ma about. In short, we would be a delightful BM.

The other groomsmen fellas are on their own with tuxes. Tending to the other groomsmen wasn’t listed as a duty in the packet I received in the mail. Sorry fellas.

Jared should totally go for this. No, I know he’ll go for this…He might just not be aware that he wants it yet. And Co-BM Clementine is already on board with it. So we should be good to go.

All that’s left is that bachelor party thing and a speech. Crowd Pleasa and I are thinking about doing the speech 90’s rap style, Hammer pants and all.

Side note: I just realized that Hammer pants were the Apple Bottom Jeans of the 90’s. Interesting.

Tiny Alex and I were also toying with the thought of doing the speech to the beat of She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy…But then we realized that Jared said no tractor-related songs. So that Jason Aldean one is out now, too. But he didn’t directly say anything about songs mentioning concubines! …Or was it combines? I really need to start paying more attention.

Oh! I also bought him a free-weight dumbbell set from Walmart as part of his wedding gift. They’re the nice, purple $20 ones! They even came with a matching yoga matt and a free 1-month membership to Curves! He’s gonna love it! I don’t know why they had it over by the women’s clearance stuff though. I always thought the women’s clearance stuff was supposed to all be in the kitchen section…

I have to go; that yoga mat isn’t going to break itself in! Jared hates the new-yoga-mat smell. And as a BM, I feel like it’s my duty, no, my honor and privilege, to rid this mat of that fowl new-yoga-mat smell. I’ll stink it up like a good BM should. Jared will be so proud! Maybe Mr. Whittleberry will be helpful and use some of his BM skills to help stink it up later, too.

Oh, below is the tux picture. I know; they’re both beautiful. It’s like St. Patties Day had a drunken one-night love affair with Casino Royale and birthed these tuxes as their illegitimate offspring.




1 thought on “The Shared Wedding

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *