Let's Digress

The Christmas Blog

Well, it’s that time of year again: Christmas. Right now, it’s snowy outside. And cold. Two of my top 40 favorite things. I have also just discovered that I’m in need of a pair of snow boots.  Apparently my running shoes weren’t made for the snow. Hopefully I’ll be fixing that later today with either an Amazon order or a quick trip to the shoe store.

But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about 2 things I have recently realized:

1). I loathe poorly done Christmas music. There, I said it. I dislike it on a very high level. In fact, I dislike it almost more than I dislike overdone Praise and Worship music. I’m sorry, but I can only hear “Open the Eyes of My Heart” so many times before it sounds like Nicki Minaj got laryngitis and was then thrown into a Nondenominational Hipster Church blender. It’s just really upsetting and it makes me want to set song books on fire.

I do have a strong love of Trans-Siberian Orchestra though.

2). I was watching The Santa Clause 2 movie last night with my family, and I discovered that almost all of the grown ups in that movie had childhood issues related to Santa. I was shocked. Look at the plot involving Scott, aka Santa, aka Tim Allen, aka Buzz Lightyear, aka Tim “The Toolman” Taylor.

In the movie, Santa/Scott/Tim, has to find a wife in order to still be Santa. So he does what any single moderately obese male in his 30’s-40’s would do, he goes wife hunting. First, I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry. I took notes on how Scott/Tim/Santa did the wife hunting thing so I can apply it to my own dating life. Now I just need to find a red Santa hat and a reindeer…

Anyway, he goes wife hunting. After a few creepy failed dates, he gets smitten with the very attractive and somehow single high school principle, Carol. They do the awkward initial interactions, he makes some bad jokes, and then shows up at her house one night. Scott/Santa/Tim uses his limited Santa-Magic to conjure up a sleigh, he makes some presents appear and a mistletoe thing… Later on he takes her back to her house and drops the S-bomb on her.

I always figured that that was something you were supposed to wait a while before dropping, but I guess he was pressed for time. He told her that he was Santa.


And instead of her disbelieving him or acting like an adult, what does she do? She kicks him out of her house and cries and throws a girly fit! She proceeded to tell/ask Scott/Santa/Tim things like, “how could you do this to me? I told you that in confidence and you betrayed my trust and blah blah blah blah I’m a middle-aged woman with the emotions of a girl on an angry tangent blah blah blah I want attention because my parents didn’t love me with presents like they should have blah blah blah I’m scarred from my Santa-less childhood because Santa let me down blah blah blah!!”

And she just goes on and on and on and on and on about it. And that’s when it clicked for me: All of the adults in the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies have severe Santa-related childhood issues. It was both weird and amusing at the same time. They were all heavily scarred and let down by Santa, which is why they’re all bitter in the movies. Weird, huh?

Me personally, I was always raised being told that there wasn’t a Santa. So I never had the chance to be scarred and bitter from it. However, the Sandman is totally real. Metallica has a song about it and everything.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering (spoiler!), Scott/Santa/Tim does end up marrying the attractive principle who hates Santa with a passion. Apparently, she got over her issues within a 30-minute time period during the movie. I guess Santa gave her a really good present and changed her mind.

Now I just need to buy a Santa hat, a reindeer, and a really good present… Maybe Silly Putty. Everyone loves Silly Putty.





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