Let's Digress

The Day I (Almost) Intubated My Brother

Note: Names of people have been cleverly changed to help protect me from getting beaten by those same people. One of them lifts heavy things for fun and could kind of bench press me and a Honda Fit into the ceiling. At the same time. It’s a little intimidating.


It all happened very quickly and went something like this:

I get home from work, just like any other night. My brother, Jarrod, is sitting on the couch with his fiancee, Schelbi. Schelbi is eating pizza, and Jarrod is on the computer looking up popular ways to mix protein powder with Code Red Mountain Dew and Ovaltine. I start off the conversation with our usual greeting, “sup dawg.” Jarrod responds with “sup homes.” I believe he calls me “homes” as a term of endearment, because I’m both very much like Sherlock Holmes and Dr. House with my sense of sarcasm and inner narcissism/wit. However, I don’t think he knows that there’s supposed to be an “L” in there… Anyway.. I guess it’s a nice compromise between the two. Actually, I relate better to Wilson than House. I’m kind of an enabler at times and I’m not as self-destructive. I have tests that say so. Maybe he should start saying “sup, Wils” instead. That would be kina cool, and it would look awesome on a trophy.

…the conversation continued…

Adam: “Jarrod, can I intubate you?”

Jarrod: “No. Wait, what is it?”

Adam: “It’s where I put a tube down your throat. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing. And you said you don’t have that much of a gag reflex.”

Jarrod: “No.”

Adam: “Pleeeease? It’s for science and the furthering of mankind and whatnot! And maybe a little for my own enjoyment… but mainly for the science something-or-other.”

Jarrod: “No.”

Adam: “You can’t really even feel it after you lose consciousness!”

Jarrod: “Well…No. Leave Jarrod alone!” (I’m not sure why he referred to himself in the third person, but he did. And he just wasn’t budging on that “no” thing. I think by “no” he really means “try harder”.)

Adam: “Last time, Jarrod. I’m not above begging. I’ll give you a cookie and a taco!”

Jarrod: “No. Not even for the Taco Bell cookie.”

Adam: “You kina suck right now, not gonna lie…”


And that is the tale of when I almost intubated my brother.

Really, this just means I’ll need to be sneaky about it next time. Maybe I’ll put a lil somethin’ in his Code Red Ovaltine Protein beverage.

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