The Ultimate Man-Cave

I would like to own a Death Star. Yes, like the one from Star Wars. I wouldn’t use it for bad stuff or anything, mainly because Yoda is not someone you wanna mess with. It would totally be the coolest man-cave ever! I could put that picture of dogs playing poker on the walls, the Kramer picture from Seinfeld, random mounted animals, a pool table, bunk beds, air hockey… Oh the possibilities would be endless! And with it being in space I wouldn’t have to worry about the ozone thing.

I should also mention that this is a recycled and revamped blog. I wrote way earlier this year, and this morning I went on a trip down my Google Drive’s memory lane and rediscovered it. Here’s a link to the article: Death Star

Earlier this year some 13,000-ish people petitioned the White House to build a real life Death Star. When I initially read the article, I kind of felt like slamming my head on the table after I died of laughter. So, in my effort to sarcastically “help”, I have comprised a list of helpful hints, pointers, facts, and my heavily opinionated opinion.

Here are some facts about space the Star Wars nerds might want to take into consideration before dropping tons of money to build a giant space gun: Zero gravity makes body fluids move upward, resulting in puffy faces and nasal congestion. Which would make swimming and family pictures much more awkward and difficult than they already are. Oh! And then there’s this whole kidney stone formation, muscle atrophy, bone calcium loss, slower bowels (which would be a crappy experience), a shrinking heart thing…and to top it off, after 5 days of zero gravity, the body loses 30% of it’s muscle strength. I don’t know about you, but I’m trying to gain muscle mass, and going into space would not help. At all. Although, I guess since I would be in space with no gravity I would be able to lift just about anything and muscle mass wouldn’t necessarily be an issue… Ok, maybe that point needs some work.

But then, assuming you can cope with the sudden weight loss and congestion and the shrunken heart thing, you have to consider all of the other stuff. Stuff like…spacecrafts, both manned and unmanned that NASA would have to send into space first to test everything out. But then you have to assume that at least 3 of them are going to blow up for some reason (because that’s how it is in the movies, I saw Apollo 13 with Tom Hanks–it blew up good) …and then, once the Death Star is up, assuming it makes it that far, there would be the ships to take everyone back and forth, which would take us right back to the kidney stone and heart shrinkage problems. ….Unless they go with the teleportation route, but they don’t have that yet, so we’re back to the zero gravity and congested, puffy faces again.

Oh! Hypothetically, if you were employed by the Death Star, and on your way there you got a kidney stone, so once you boarded the Death Star you had to call in sick on your first day of work due to the excruciating kidney stone pain. And then they fired you for tardiness, so they had to send you back to earth. Then you would have the same issue on the return trip. Or your spaceship could blow up on the way there or on the way back.

Pretty much, the Death Star would be a bad idea. It’s not worth the heart shrinking and kidney stone pain.

I would still like to have one though. It would be awesome.

I wonder how much rocket fuel would cost. I bet they get horrible gas mileage… Maybe I could get one that runs on cooking oil..