Let's Digress

BREAKING: Democrats Develop Bill to Restrict Abortion Access

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning new statement, House Democrats announced that they’re developing legislation to radically restrict abortion access to women.

Agreeing to release the following statement and exclusive interview under the condition of strict anonymity, a cousin of a best friend of an aide to an unnamed House Democrat sent the following statement in an email to the Let’s Digress News Network’s token feminist reporter, Brittany Manchester.

According to the anonymous cousin of the best friend of the aide to the unnamed House Democrat, the representative was involved in a group email discussing how to solve the “pro-life issue.” The following statement is purportedly directly from the email when the solution was decided on. The soon-to-be-proposed bill is scheduled to make its way to the House floor as soon as it’s written down in a more formal manner. 

“Because we’re all rational people, we know that women need (and deserve) to have access to abortion on demand. I don’t just mean abortion for the first several weeks of pregnancy, either. I mean abortion from conception all the way through the fourth trimester. If women don’t have the right to this integral piece of healthcare where they can terminate their pregnancies whenever they want, even after birth, then the women’s rights movement has accomplished nothing and has all been for naught.

However, given the current political climate, those pesky pro-life people, moral qualms, and the constant development of medical technology, it is becoming increasingly difficult to legally kill a baby both in utero and out of utero. To combat this, we’re going to propose new legislation that will actually restrict abortion access to select women.

Here’s how it will work:

Whenever a woman (or any gender) becomes pregnant, they’ll be given a Tamagotchi toy by their physician. If at any point during their pregnancy they happen to kill the digital pet, then they’re obviously not ready to have a child and can have an abortion. If they somehow don’t kill the digital pet during their pregnancy, then they’ll be barred from abortion services.

But let’s be honest, who doesn’t always kill that digital animal?”

For more information on the Tamagotchi toy and how it functions, click here.

This is a developing story and we at the LDNN will continue to update you as the updates arrive.

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