Let's Digress

A Case for Cargo Pants

Recently, it was brought to my attention (again) that cargo pants should be banned for the year 2017. And that they should have been banned from the year 2016. And that no one should wear them anymore. Ever.

Well, being the equal trouser rights (#AllPantsMatter) supporter that I am, I proudly support cargo pants. I present my case for cargo pants below.

If I remember correctly, it’s socially expected for me to establish my credibility on this matter before I proceed any further with my opinion, even though our society claims to be a democracy, completely without judgement, where everyone’s opinions, lifestyle choices, cultures, general behaviors, and decisions are equally valued and all carry the same amount of merit and legitimacy.

Yet, for some reason, I still need to establish credibility, even though everything is supposed to be universally accepted in the name of tolerance…unless something is deemed to be intolerable for the sake of preserving that universally accepted tolerance.

Perhaps it’s because “democracy” can be roughly translated into “mob rule,” and our society isn’t supposed to be a democracy, anyway. It’s a Constitutional Republic.

Perhaps it’s because we, as a society, are supposed to judge the opinions, lifestyle choices, cultures, general behaviors, and decisions of others.

Perhaps all of those opinions, lifestyle choices, cultures, general behaviors, and decisions aren’t actually equal, legitimate, or valid after all.

But then again, this is a—loosely defined—micro-dissertation about wearing cargo pants in public. What credibility do I have anyway?

Back to practical trousers.

I hear it constantly, all the time, especially on occasion every now-and-then, that cargo pants need to disappear forever. Even more so with those dastardly good looking cargo shorts. They’re like cargo pants, but (plot twist) not as long.

However, I have yet to hear a valid reason for why they need to disappear. What is so catastrophically wrong with them? Do these practical trouser opponents think that the ridiculous versatility of those glorious pants is below them?

That is basically the clothing equivalent of removing a bicycle seat because sitting down while riding a bike is extra lazy or because sitting is overrated.

I say, 1) At least they’re wearing pants, and 2) At least they’re riding a bike.

Logically speaking, the cargo pocket location on the leg is the most practical place to put a pocket to carry personal belongings.

With cell phones becoming larger and larger, cargo pants just make more sense to wear. Can a Note II fit easily in the front pocket of blue jeans? No. Try shoving an iPad Mini in someone’s front pants pocket, it’s basically the same thing. However, an iPad Mini will fit relatively easily in a cargo pocket. Also, strangers don’t normally like it when they have things placed in their pockets without consent by a random male performing a pocket-sizing experiment.

Nutritionists say that we need to eat healthy snacks throughout the day. Where are we supposed to store these healthy snacks as we go about our daily business? I can’t put a granola bar in my front left pants pocket, that’s where my car keys go. Fortunately, though, I can fit several granola bars and a quart-size bag of gummy bears in a single cargo pocket.

We also need to keep in mind that cargo pants are not designed for formal, or even business casual, occasions. They’re for über casual events, hiking, public safety employees, Black Friday shopping, sneaking candy into movie theaters, lounging around the house, going to Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning, and manual labor.

Sure, there will always be those few people who think tan-colored cargo pants without holes count as dress attire. However, we must be better than that and keep the big picture in mind. Don’t let a few hipsters and stylistically contorted individuals ruin them for the rest of us.

Cargo pants are beautiful when they’re in the correct environment.


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