Let's Digress

How to be Romantic During a Riot

Tired of being quarantined? Do you want to riot and enhance your romantic endeavors simultaneously? Well, look no further.

In case you’ve been living under a rock or in quarantine and missed it, a lot has happened since COVID became a thing. The days of self-imposed quarantine are over. Well, they’re over if you’re interested in rioting. The new fad it seems, at least in large, Democrat-controlled cities, is to riot with an occasional looting spree. 

Look, being preoccupied rioting is not a valid reason for your love life to suffer. That’s why we here at the Let’s Digress Institute for Romantic Endeavors (L-DIRE) have concocted 7 tips for how to be romantic during a riot. 

Disclaimer: Before I begin, allow me to qualify my expertise in this field: I am happily married to the best wife of all wives who does an incredible job of putting up with me, especially when I make lists. So, by definition, I have won the dating game and am qualified to make the following assertions.

1) Buy your prospective romantic partner a nice gas mask. 

Nothing says, “I might like to have a pseudo-committed and labelless romantic relationship with you” like buying that special someone a high-quality gas mask capable of filtering out the tear gas you’ll be wading through together. 

2) Have a romantic nighttime vegan dinner lit with the ambient light of the small business you just set aflame. 

One of the best ways to show how traditional and progressive you are is by having a stereotypical romantic dinner by firelight. But since you’re still a progressive, forward-thinking person, that traditionalism needs to be coupled with a vegan menu and the firelight must be supplied by the building you both set on fire, in the name of tolerance and diversity of course.

3) Let your prospective romantic partner have the first strike at the window.

We all know how gratifying it is to break things that don’t belong to us in the name of anti-fascism. True chivalry is letting the likely-absent coparent of your future children have the first satisfying crack at that 1998 Ford Taurus windshield. 

4) Graffiti your names and the date encircled with a heart.

There are certain romantic gestures that will always be timeless and clichéd, but they’re timeless and clichéd for a reason. Show your newfound casual friend-with-benefits just how much they mean to you by picking an unsuspecting building, vehicle, some form of property, or person and then graffiti your initials and the date inside of a heart. Disclaimer: It’s required that the building, vehicle, or property does not belong to you. 

5) Make a public display of your self-confidence to further impress your radical heartthrob. 

For men: Show off just how secure you are in your masculinity by approaching an innocent bystander or police officer and give them a severe tongue lashing about how they clearly don’t know anything about property rights, tolerance, or state/local/federal law. 

For women: Show off just how fierce and independent you are by approaching an innocent bystander or police officer and give them a severe tongue lashing about how they clearly don’t understand anything about property rights, tolerance, or state/local/federal law.

6) Display your fearlessness and chivalry to your date.

When law enforcement officers begin to enforce the law by dispersing the crowd of your fellow rioters with tear gas and non-lethal projectiles, boldly step in front of your prospective squeeze, acting as a human shield to block them from being struck by those projectiles. This is one of the few ultimate forms of chivalry. Unless they’re strong and independent themselves and decline it, then step back. You don’t want to be oppressive to them. 

7) Take a cute selfie at an iconic place to commemorate your first date together so you’ll remember it forever.

If things are going well on your date, take a picture to remember it! Stand in front of the building you just vandalized and have a fellow rioter take a picture of you two. Or have both of you sit behind the wheel of a car you just broke into and snap a quick selfie before lighting it on fire. Another great option would be to have a fellow rioter take a picture of you verbally accosting a white person. 

Just remember, pictures last forever and are sometimes admissible in court. 

If you follow these romance tips, you and your romantic interest are guaranteed to take your relationship to the next level. Or you both may contract some form of infection. Perhaps both. 

We here at the Let’s Digress Institute for Romantic Endeavors wish you the best of luck!

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