Let's Digress

Questionable Aid Dogs

Hello, hello! Welcome to another round of What Adam Noticed In Starbucks Today! Yes, this has indeed turned into a game. A really weird, messed up game full of snap judgments and one-sided opinions. But hey, it’s fun and amusing, so that makes it more ok. (Now that’s how to properly rationalize right there! For more information on how to rationalize, check out this article or wait until I write a blog about it.)

I was in Starbucks with Zacharias yesterday. We had our customary seating arrangement, the 6-seater table by the back door. We were both on the same side with a chair between us, facing the entrance. Our MacBooks were open and turned on to show off our very cool decals; mine, the Batman one, his, the old school Apple logo.

It was before the schools had ended for the day, so it was fairly empty inside. There was an older gentleman on the couch reading something on his iPad Mini. He looked kind of like and older, post-chemotherapy version of Bob Ross. I would like to think he was reading Chuck Norris’ autobiography, but I could be wrong. Personally, I thought it was a decent book back when I read it, but I’m weird with books and that was when I was 15.

There were also 3 high school aged girls from the Baptist private school across the street. I guess they got out early or something. Now, before you get all irked at me for assuming they came from the private Baptist school, let me say that their behavior and clothing indicated that that’s where they came from. They were very quiet but talked in loud whispers to each other, and they had floor-length skirts with longish hair pinned up, and their elbows were covered. They were also wearing Croc’s and white tennis shoes. But what really put it over the edge was watching them walk over to Starbucks from the private Baptist school across the street.

Really, I guess that wasn’t so much a snap judgment as it was just me being observant. Ok, now you can fume.

To our right, in the comfy corner chairs was this middle-aged guy and a 20-something lady. We’ll pretend his name is Stan and her name is Dana. Stan had on a Walmart-brand St. Pattie’s Day t-shirt, a bb-sized ear ring in his left hear that should’ve stayed in the 90’s, and toe shoes. Dana looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite place where from. She had on the same shirt and an iPhone with a Duck Dynasty case.

The 4-seater table right next to them had a middle-aged woman with poodle-style hair sitting at it with 2 kids (a boy and a girl), who were probably about 7 years old. They all also had on green Walmart St. Pattie’s Day shirts. Let’s call her Gertrude, and the kids can be…George and Laura. That’ll make sense in a minute. Gertrude was trying to do some homeschool-style math with the kids. They were obviously homeschoolers, which I’m ok with, but loudly teaching them in Starbucks isn’t that great of an idea… Especially since George and Laura were all over the place and had severe disciplinary issues which resulted in Mama Gertrude yelling and throwing a tantrum along with them.

Stan was reading some news articles from his Dell laptop and saying phrases like “The government can’t legally do that! Over my dead, camo-wearin’ body!”, “No way they’ll ever allow it. We should’ve nuked the Russians when we had the chance.”, and “Bush was the best president we’ve ever had other than Reagan, racist comments, blah blah blah.” It was terrible. He was definitely very radical conservative. Zack pointed out that he was an ignorant conservative, the worst kind of conservative. Conservative is fine and great, but the ignorant part is the problem. That’s what labels all conservatives as bad. It’s kind of like one gun owner doing something stupid with a gun and making all gun owners look bad.

Under his left arm was a blue piece of cloth that went over the armrest and down to the floor. I followed it with my eyes from the safety of my table and discovered that it went to a tiny dog. Who brings a tiny border collie-sized dog into Starbucks?

Then it clicked.

It was the family from the My Day at Starbucks #2 blog!

I literally dropped my iPad on the table and loudly whispered to Zack what I realized while simultaneously trying to pull up the old blog entry to show him. Finally, after what seemed like several minutes of frantic movement, I found the blog entry. I’ll paraphrase what young Zacharias said, “Holy cow Adam! You totally nailed it in your blog. Wow, poodle hair and all! By the way, some of the stuff you say is just terrible. Accurate, but terrible.”

That conversation helps me know I know I’m writing literary gold. Fools gold, but gold nonetheless.

Dana, the obese girl in the chair with the triple chin, I could finally place where she looked familiar from! It was weird not seeing them on the couch though. Gertrude clicked now, too. I could place where I had seen that hair before with ease. They didn’t have their industrial-sized extension cord this time though. I guess they traded it for two small children or something. Someone definitely got a really good deal on an extension cord.

I felt kind of bad for George and Laura though, having to be scream-taught math in Starbucks. Especially when Gerdi couldn’t solve the problems herself.

Stan would laugh obnoxiously at his news articles and read them to his wife. I assume Gertrude was his wife, maybe they were siblings who had kids together, I don’t know for sure. I don’t want to know. However, what did confuse me was the dog. Who did Clyde belong to? When Gertrude and Dana were at Starbucks before, the dog belonged to Dana. But now it would seem like he belongs to Stan… I’m beginning to question the legitimacy of Clyde as an aid dog.

After about 20 minutes of listening to them ignorantly babble and whine about the state government and yell at their kids because they don’t know math, I got impatient. Zack conveniently needed to buy post-it notes, so we left on a post-it hunt.


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