People ask me all the time on some occasions, “Adam, what are you thankful for?” Well, I’m going to answer that with a 12-point list of random things I’m thankful for in no particular order.
1. Everyday Feminism’s website
I’m thankful for the Everyday Feminism website because it reminds me of how blessed my life is. The articles on it tend to focus heavily on being victims of life, religion, race, politics, disabilities, not having disabilities, monogamy, and everything else that isn’t true about living in America or life in general. Reflecting on those articles makes me think, “Hey, at least I’m not them.”
I’m thankful for cows because they played a crucial supporting role for the tornado chasers in the cinematic hit, Twister. Not only did cows provide a significant plot point, but their excrement also provides an accurate synonym for the quality of the movie as a whole.
3. Peanut Butter
I’m thankful for peanut butter because, without it, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups would be just empty chocolate cups, forever in wait of being filled with the peanut butters.
I’m thankful for America. This is the greatest, freest, wealthiest, most prosperous country in the history of the world. Just by dint of being born in the U.S. means that you, me, and everyone else living here has won the geographical lottery for countries to live in. There’s a reason why everyone who isn’t here wants to come here and why the people who are here that complain about it saying they’re going to move to a different country never actually leave.
I’m thankful for marriage. Sometimes, when I go to bed, the refrigerator is empty. And then I wake up later and it’s full of food again. This magical event never occurred back in my bachelor days; it only started after Gabby and I got married. So, I can only assume the refrigerator somehow knows I’m married, and because of that it just refills itself while I’m asleep. Gabby has noticed this phenomenon, too, and just shakes her head in astonishment and rolls her eyes whenever I bring it up.
I’m thankful for socks. Not only do they keep feet warm and protect them from the insides of shoes, but if other people utilize them, then I don’t have to see their gross, eagle-talon hooves.
7. The Internet.
I’m thankful for the Internet. Without it, Amazon, Everyday Feminism, my website wouldn’t be possible.
I’m thankful for squirrels. They’re such happy creatures and they provide my dogs something to vehemently pursue around the back yard.
9. LASIK eye surgery
I’m thankful for LASIK eye surgery. Before LASIK, I had vision problems and I used to discriminate against people by gender. But after having LASIK, I now have 20/15 vision and I no longer discriminate using gender. I discriminate using visual acuity.
10. Martin Luther
I’m thankful for Martin Luther (the reformer, not the political activist, King Jr.). Without him, I would have one less fun talking point to discuss with my Catholic friends. Protestantism might also not have existed without him, so I’m thankful for that too I guess.
11. Cargo pants
I’m thankful for cargo pants because they keep my legs warm while looking incredibly stylish and containing enough storage space in the pockets for activities.
I’m thankful for marsupials because they’re literally the animal equivalent of cargo pants.