Let's Digress

ReChurch 2014, Part 1

Being the 24-year-old single guy I am, I have a booming social life. Today has been particularly awesome; I went to a conference, a church conference.

Not just a church conference, but the church conference.

This, my friends, is ReChurch 2014.

See, I do have a booming social life. Most guys go to clubs, pool halls, or Walmart, but I go to church conferences.

I should also mention that I didn’t go alone; Zach came with me. And by “Zach came with me”, I mean, “I went with Zach because he wanted delightfully sarcastic entertainment that could only be provided by his scruffily bearded best friend”.

This über awesome ReChurch conference was held at The Creek. It’s this giant awesome church located somewhere on the east side of Indianapolis off of Southport road and right next to a cornfield in Franklin Township.

So, Zach and I walked into the church and these very extroverted registration people with iPads greeted us. For it being 1pm, these people were very perky and friendly. I was feeling excessively hyperactive and ornery (partially because I had engulfed roughly 12 ounces of coffee 20 minutes before we arrived), and they were still much perkier than I was.

That’s how I knew they were extroverted.

Anyway, we signed in and were then shunted over to the Backpack Table (it was a table with a few hundred backpacks on it).

After acquiring our new office stationary-carrying bling, we made our way to the main sanctuary to find seats for the main lecture session.

On our way there, a very short woman stopped us. She said something about prayer and then made her way into my personal bubble. Generally, I would have a problem with my bubble being invaded, but she smelled pleasant and was about the same height as Bilbo from The Hobbit, so it was okay.

I was going to ask her if elevators smelled differently to her than they do to normal-heighted people, but I didn’t have time because she wanted to do that “prayer” thing.

Finally, we had made it to the sanctuary.

Zach and I sat down about 15 feet away from the stage. I know, that was a bold move for introverts.

I expected them to do the usual “pray, sing, pray again, sing a very overused and tired worship song, pray again, sing a second song (one with a sad-ish sound for dramatic effect)” and then break into the service.

Instead, these two guys came out, Shan and Brock. They started talking about something or other, but I wasn’t paying attention yet; I was far more engrossed with rummaging through my new backpack.

I know, it sounds like I have the attention span of a toddler.

I do.

And that awesome backpack had a squishy light bulb in it! And this cup thing (a tervis). And paper. And a pen. AND A SQUISHY LIGHTBULB! (I only save caps lock for special occasions, like this.)

I also realized that I was faced with a predicament of MacGyver proportions: Fitting my black backpack inside the new backpack. So, naturally, I performed a technique that I call The Kristen (patent pending). It’s a delicate technique where one forcefully stuffs one carrying device into another carrying device.

It took some finagling, but I did it. I had a backpack inside of a backpack.

I started playing with the squishy light bulb again, when I remembered that Shan and Brock were still talking so I probably needed to try paying attention.

I did, and I noticed that they were funny.

Not just a little funny, but very funny.

They had the same pure and raw comedic talent that Adam and Zach from The Insomnia Show podcast had.

None of what they said was scripted and it flowed beautifully! The lights faded at one point, they made bad puns and churchy jokes, and even broke out a cultural reference or two. It was awesome.

I cried a little when they left the stage. Whether it was a tear from laughter or a tear of sorrow because they were leaving, I’m not sure. But a tear fell either way.

As they were walking off the stage, I said to myself, “Self, those two guys have a level of comedic genius which would rival that of the late Robin Williams.”

I finally calmed myself down and wiped my misty eyes on Zach’s shirt sleeve, who was both horrified and disgusted at me for doing such a thing to him. I also needed to blow my nose, and I tried to do that on his sleeve too, but then he started muttering something about not taking me out in public with him anymore or something.

I still don’t understand it. What’s the point of having a best friend with a scruffy beard if you won’t let him blow his nose on your sleeve in the middle of a church conference? Seriously.

The worship team came out next to do the singing thing, and I was totally blown away.

They didn’t play those tired and sucky worship songs. Instead, they were awesome.

Not just awesome, but like… professional and dramatic. The background on the projection screens matched the stage design, which was crazy dramatic.

I need to compare it to something to help put it into perspective. Got it: It was like being at a small Foreigners concert with 500 of your closest friends singing the chorus of Feels Like The First Time for the entire time.

It. Was. Awesome.

All they need now is a fog machine… Actually, I may put that in their suggestion box, along with the whole “Shan and Brock need to have a podcast” thing.

My favorite part of the worship was when, sometime during the second song, I noticed the brunette keyboardist in the back. From 30-ish feet away, she looked like a modern-day pirate boot and scarf wearing Tauriel from The Hobbit (Evangeline Lilly; she also played Kate in the hit ABC sci-fi drama, Lost).

Honestly, part of me kept waiting for her to pull her hair back to reveal pointy ears and for her to whip out an Elvin bow and arrows.

Sadly, she never did either of those things.

During the riveting lecture I also realized that this conference was not the best place to go to meet women, which translates to “Adam broke out his fancy Old Spice cologne and sweater for nothing.”

More to come later.


UPDATE: for Part 2, click this link!



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