Things I Would Ban If I Were Elected To Public Office
An entirely reasonable list of things that should be banned.
I have a controversial, comprehensive, and ever-growing list of things I would ban if I were ever elected to public office.
And when I say ban, I don’t just mean “strongly discourage” or “advise against.” I mean straight-up authoritarian, top-down removal. Legislation. Legal consequences. Confiscation. Into the ash heap of history.
The people have spoke, and unfortunately for them, in this hypothetical world, I will have chosen to ignore them.
In no particular order:
1. Single-nostril nose piercings
Ears are acceptable. Nares are excessive.
Single-nostril piercings are asymmetrical, which isn’t aesthetically pleasing. So if nose piercing is something one’s heart desires, the options will be to either look like a bull or look like someone who lost a bet.
Banned forever.
2. Crop tops
We don’t need to see your abdomen in public. Ever.
Legitimately, no one walks around thinking, “You know what would really make my day better? Seeing a rando’s midsection.”
And if some weirdo does think that, they’ll be banned too.
3. Yoga shorts
Same basic principle as the crop-top ban, except now it’s targeted at the spandex-wrapped pelvic-to-buttock region.
There are particular parts of the body that need to remain a mystery, hidden beneath several layers of clothing that should only be unveiled at home. This is one of them.
None of us need to be visually assaulted while we’re in line at Arby’s trying to order mozzarella sticks.
4. More than four bumper stickers per vehicle
Ideally, there shouldn’t be more than two bumper stickers per vehicle, but I’m feeling generous and will extend it to four.
Any amount beyond that and the vehicle becomes a manifesto of slogans, and nobody has time to commit to reading that at a stoplight.
5. Flip flops
Really, it’s not just flip flops. It’s any open-toed shoe where the primary means of securing it to the foot involves a piece of material getting wedged between the toes.
There are very few situations where such a style of footwear might be acceptable, and even then, slides and Croc-style shoes are factually superior.
6. Sermon series longer than six weeks
As much as I love a weekly deep dive into all things theological, a 27-week sermon series is too much.
Do the same material, just label it as six-week blocks and it’ll be more manageable for everyone.
7. Dress shoes without socks
Socks are meant to be worn with dress shoes.
Dress shoes are meant to be worn with socks.
That’s why they’re pairs.
To pull from the King James Version of Mark 10: “What God hath joined together, let man not put asunder.”
Sure, that’s horrifically out of context, but emotionally, it makes perfect sense.
Besides, if you’re going to go through all the trouble of putting on a dress shirt, ironed pants, belt, tie, and cuff links, don’t ruin the whole thing by deciding that your ankles need to experience freedom.
Sheesh.
8. Daylight saving time
Actually, I think this one is currently being addressed at a governmental level.
Moving on.
9. The Beatles
I. Hate. The. Beatles.
So. Much.
I can’t even put into words how much I loathe them.
Banned.
Just banned.
10. The satin and silk attire from Love Is Blind
There is no legitimate reason for any human to dress in satin and silk that frequently.
I’ve written extensively elsewhere about the horrors of that show.
Actually, maybe the whole show should just be banned.
I need to reconsider this later.
11. Rompers
For this one, I would actually seek to introduce some sort of bipartisan legislation to ban them instead of making some executive fiat.
From where I sit, there is no legitimately defensible reason for a garment to exist that requires partial-to-full disrobing to perform basic biological functions—specifically, peeing.
We have evolved too far as a species to use such an archaic means of dressing ourselves.
12. The phrase “unalive”
We already have plenty of good words for death, like “death.”
Dead. Deceased. Kicked the bucket. DRT—dead right there. No longer living. Corpse. Pulseless and apneic. Passed away. No longer among the living.
We have dozens of ways to describe someone who has stopped being alive.
We don’t need “unalive.”
13. Reboots nobody asked for
I hate reboots nobody asked for almost as much as I hate the Beatles.
Live-action Moana. Rocky V. Rocky Balboa. The Creed series, even though it was great. Anything after 2 Fast 2 Furious. Anything after Avengers: Civil War. Live-action The Lion King. Live-action Aladdin. Frozen 2. Soon-to-be Frozen 3. Most of the Star Wars universe after episode III. The Ballerina reboot/spinoff/whatever-we’re-calling-it of the John Wickfranchise.
If nobody asked for it, then why are they making it?
Banned.
14. Meander shopping
I’ve written before about how much I hate meander shopping.
“Just browsing” drives me up a wall.
The purpose of going shopping is to go with the intent to buy something specific. If something there happens to strike your fancy that you weren’t planning on, great!
But to go shopping with no idea, no plans, and no concrete intention of buying something specific is a different animal entirely.
I am unable to sit idly by and let that type of anarchy reign.
Banned.