I read a blog earlier called 8 Reasons Why You Should Marry the Complicated Girl. While I was reading it, I noticed a few things that sent up some red flags for me. So, as a public service of sorts, I have written this blog to “correct” some of those things.
I have cleverly titled it, 8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry the Complicated Girl.
The 8 Reasons blog started off with a Sex and the City reference, but I’m going to skip that because I just don’t have time to write a blog about something that large and dysfunctional.
Let’s get this humorous and confrontational show on the road.
Have you ever read or watched The Hunger Games or the Divergent series? Ever notice that (pretty much) every girl who reads it identifies themselves with Katniss or Tris, regardless of how similar or not they actually are to the main character?
I realized that the 8 Reasons blog had a similar effect on women, too. The females who “liked” or “shared” it had a tendency to think that they were a “complicated girl.”
Sadly enough, most of them are, 9 times out of 10, simple girls who only think they’re complicated because they over-identified with a blog written by a very attractive lady who thinks she’s a “complicated girl.”
The over-identifying is also an issue by itself, but that’s a blog for another time.
I would also like to point out that the actual list of “8 reasons” isn’t a list of “reasons” at all; it’s a vaguely descriptive list of qualities and personality traits that a “complicated girl” should have, according to the author and her Sex and the City mindset.
Here is the list:
- Marry the girl who tells you exactly what she expects and follows through.
Okay, I agree. Knowing what one wants and being able to follow through on accomplishing the things required to get there is a very important quality to have. However, knowing what one wants and having expectations are two very different things. Take it from a guy who’s a hopeless romantic at heart with more expectations than the Hallmark channel can ever make movies about, they’re often high, unpractical, and insanely unrealistic.
- Marry the girl who demands your respect.
Respect can be demanded, sure. But is it really respect if one has to demand someone to give it to them? Children demand things. Petty grown ups demand things. Bullies demand things. But if one is going to be demanding respect, wouldn’t it just be easier to have people fear you instead? The end results are about the same. The motivation is significantly different, but they get the same results.
- Marry the girl who can talk politics, even if her opinions are different from yours.
Why is it important to talk politics? I’m not sure why this one is even on the list. I will add that it’s fine if opinions differ…unless they’re wrong/misinformed opinions or harmful ones. Yes, it really is possible for someone to have a wrong opinion. It happens all the time, usually from the same people who “demand respect” from others. But that’s just my opinion. ;)
- Marry the girl whose eyes flicker with passion about a number of different subjects.
Passion is a touchy subject. It has almost more controversy attached to it than the whole “don’t judge me” stuff. I will say this about passion, though: It is a misleadingly slippery slope that we all must tread carefully on.
Passion and ambition always accompany each other; the former fuels the latter. I believe David Bobb said it best in his book Humility, “Ambition is not evil itself, but when an individual lets ambition run wild, it has the tendency to take over his soul.” Abraham Lincoln had the mindset that passions are forms of unruliness, which bring chaos and confusion more often than they bring order and clarity.
Yes, passion is very important, but it is a beast we must always watch and be ready to put down if needed.
- Marry the girl who won’t let you get away with slacking on your talents.
I suppose this is one of the more harmless ones on the list, comparatively speaking. Both of the people in this fictional marriage are adults. Should it be the “complicated girl’s” job to make sure the guy isn’t slacking with what she perceives to be his talents? At what point does “not letting him slack” turn into passive-aggressive behavior and/or being a control freak?
- Marry the girl who pushes you to be better every day.
“Better.” What is “better?” We’re all supposed to help each other be better, it’s that whole “iron sharpens iron” thing. But what if the “complicated girl’s” definition of “better” isn’t actually “better?” What if her standard of “better” is “a more submissive and dysfunctional husband who is more easily pushed around?”
From reading the original article, I would say that that standard of “better” is fairly accurate. The “complicated girl” depicted in the blog is an emotional whirlwind who has significant control and relational issues who only knows how to follow her passions and sees anyone who opposes them as an enemy, regardless of how good or bad her passions actually are. So, what is “better?”
- Marry the girl with whom you sometimes fight.
We’re broken and flawed people, we’re all going to fight, especially when we love and live with someone else for the majority of our lives. The question is more about why you’re fighting. Is it for legitimate reasons? Is it because you disagree with one of her dysfunctional and poorly founded passions that will ultimately be harmful to her and those around her? Is it because you accidentally stepped on your pet Rottweiler’s tail again?
- Marry the girl who is your equal or greater.
“Equal or greater.” Well, first, this requires judging the other person. Second, it means that some people are, in fact, better than others. Morally, ethically, financially, intellectually, some people are better than other people.
To determine if someone is equal or better than you are, you have to judge his or her actions, behaviors, opinions, everything. There’s no way around it. You have to look at the evidence presented to you and form an opinion about it. If that makes you feel uneasy, rest assured, because you’ve been doing it your whole life.
This 8 Reasons list has some flaws in it. Ultimately, it justifies bad and dysfunctional behavior—both inside and outside of a marriage—which is fueled by the uncontrolled emotions of a “complicated girl” who never quite grew up, and as a result still has the delusion that she’s a Disney princess who will, at some point, find her “prince charming” that will love her for every one of her good and bad qualities. But at the end of the day, she’s only a “simple girl” fooling herself into thinking that she’s a “complicated girl.”
Don’t worry, being the very opinionated expert amateur blogger that I am, I won’t leave you empty handed and broken hearted after shattering the foundation of the original blog.
I have devised my own 8 Reasons list. But I should say that it’s not so much a list of “reasons” as it is a list of “character traits.” Oh, and I’m also single, unmarried, and a romantic idealist at heart, so this may end up just sounding a little naïve.
- Marry the girl who has high-quality integrity (well-founded morals and ethics).
- Marry the girl who has shameless and unabashed ambition (as long as she has the humility to keep it in check). So, see number 3.
- Marry the girl who is humble.
- Marry the girl who knows what she believes and why she believes it.
- Marry the girl who offers respect without demanding it from others in return.
- Marry the girl who has perspective and keeps the “big picture” of life in the forefront of her mind.
- Marry the girl who knows how to fail well (we can’t always win all the time).
- Marry the girl who has appropriate boundaries with others.
This last one (technically #9) should be common sense, but I felt like I needed to include it anyway:
Marry the girl whom you find to be physically jaw dropping. She’ll be the one you wake up next to every morning for the rest of forever. Being physically attracted to her is kind of super important.
Don’t marry the “complicated” girl or the “simple” girl. Stay far away from both of them.
Marry the stunning, virtuous girl instead.
Stunning and virtuous. Just look for that. Those two things together encompass all of the others.
Stunning and virtuous.