PAWTUCKET, RI—In a social media firestorm announcement that rocked the tranquil grounds under which all spud-related toys have germinated peacefully beneath for decades, Hasbro released a new business plan, essentially revoking the beloved children’s toy, Mr. Potato Head, from store shelves.
Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Mr. Potato Head has been canceled due to allegations of “sexism,” “modulated spud behavior,” and “not appealing to fruit-friendly audiences.”
Stan McBurney, director of Hasbro’s Anatomical Starch Department, said in an interview that “Due to the current political climate and results from internal studies, we’ve learned that all members of the potato family—Idaho, sweet, miniature, mashed—have been oppressed and disproportionately disenfranchised by being forced into artificial bodies and faces for children’s amusement and not for the nourishment of humankind like the spuds were originally intended for.”
McBurney went on to elaborate that through these internal studies, Hasbro’s Anatomical Starch Department discovered that among the primary food groups, apples were actually underutilized, under-eaten, and underrepresented in the toy departments at both brick-and-mortar stores and online retailers.
“Don’t worry,” said McBurney, “Mister Potato Head may be gone forever, but he’s being replaced with Miss Apple Bottom. This will not only help spread awareness of apples and how excellent they are, but it will also provide equitable outcomes for everyone at the negligible expense of oppression of another group.”
Ms. Apple Bottom is reported to be inspired by the T-Pain song and the starter kit is said to come with jeans, boots with fur, baggy sweatpants, and Reeboks with straps.
Hasbro is slated to release Ms. Apple Bottom near the end of October 2021, just in time for the holiday season.
This is a developing story and we at the Let’s Digress News Network will update you when the news updates us.