BIRMINGHAM, AL—In a landmark discovery made earlier this week at the Birmingham campus of the Let’s Digress Research Centers of North America, scientists have unlocked the longstanding enigma of why redheaded people don’t blink in the typical manner of their non-redheaded human counterparts.
LDRC-NA spokesperson Buck Buckminster told reporters earlier today, “This discovery has been shocking, to say the least. And the fact that it came at this particular time in history where everything is so polarized… I think this could be a canopy we can all unite under as a civilization.”
Buckminster went on to elaborate that after years of painstaking research and the expenditure of tens of millions of taxpayer dollars, the LDRC-NA scientists had to get back to basics: the grain of truth hidden within old wives’ tales and parables. One such parable says that the eyes are the windows to the soul; another old wives’ tale says gingers don’t have souls in the first place.
“We had to ask ourselves, ‘Why are these two statements normally told together as a pair?’” Buckminster pondered. “In oral traditions handed down from one generation to the next for the past several centuries and spanning cross-cultural lines, one statement is rarely told without the other. After many months of experimenting, we discovered that blinking keeps the soul from escaping the body.”
The science seems to show, and rather conclusively according to Buckminster, that the soul is constantly trying to escape the body by exiting through the eyes. Therefore, every time a person blinks, the soul that was attempting to escape the body gets knocked back inside, which amounts to 10-20 times per minute.
“This is just fascinating!” the spokesperson exclaimed. “Through this research, we’ve also established that redheads still do blink, but not nearly as often as non-redheads do, about one-third to half the number of times. This, we believe, is due to what we call a latent reflex. Much like how a recently deceased animal will still twitch its tail, ears, or other various muscle groups, redheads do this with blinking. It’s essentially a glitch that evolution hasn’t worked out of its system yet, similar to the appendix and wisdom teeth in the human body; it doesn’t really have a function but is still there for some reason.”
During the question and answer session, a reporter asked Buckminster what he meant by the statement that this discovery is something that can unite all people. Buckminster responded by saying, “In the current cultural climate, we’ve all been hating on each other based on skin color, sexual orientation, gender identity, blah blah blah. But now, because of this new science, we can all unite in discriminating against those pesky gingers and their creepy, soulless stares.”
Shortly after the press conference, the LDRC-NA released the following statement in response to multiple complaints about the apparent bigotry of the spokesperson:
“The LDRC-NA does not endorse Mr. Buckminster’s position on hate and discrimination, nor do we endorse blindly following an individual person’s opinion of the science, regardless of how emotionally compelling it may or may not be. This hasn’t been the first issue we’ve had with Mr. Buckminster and he has been removed from the organization. We apoligize for anyone who may have been harmed, emotionally or otherwise, due to his self-drawn conclusion of what actions should be taken because of this discovery.”
This is an evolving story and we at the Let’s Digress News Network will update you as the news updates us.