Let's Digress

BREAKING–New Protest Afoot

DAVENPORT, IA—Earlier this week, the Let’s Digress News Network received an anonymous tip that there was going to be a Black Lives Matter protest at the WEEP radio station located in downtown Davenport that would likely turn turbulently violent in a mostly peaceful way. 

Not being willing to miss out on something dramatic to spike ratings, token feminist reporter Brittany Manchester was immediately sent to Davenport via a private jet on loan to the LDNN from the always-generous and never-creepy Joe Biden to size up the scene ahead of time. 

The following is the unedited email just received here in the Newsroom from Brittany herself:

Hello LDNN Newsroom, and by extension, the viewing audience! 

I can’t thank you all enough for your support during these trying times. I would also like to thank Uncle Joe for the use of his jet, though I do feel the requirement to use dry shampoo prior to entering the aircraft and filling out the “hair description” card to be a little on the nose, to use a turn of phrase. Side note: We should definitely sever these business ties. I’ll walk back. Seriously. This dry shampoo has done terrible things to my hair. 

Anyway, I just got back to the hotel after being in the middle of the protest. It seems the LDNN has been grossly misinformed… 

Don’t misunderstand me, there is definitely a huge protest at the radio station currently underway. It’s gotten arguably violent, too. At the time I left, there were about 300-900 people surrounding the radio station. They were angry and yelling and seemed to be rather disgruntled. 

I say arguably violent because someone set all 37 Jeep Gladiators on fire at a car dealership located next door to the radio station. Since it’s the Jeep truck, I’m conflicted if it actually counts as an act of violence or as a public service. I guess it’ll be up to the court to decide if the recently defunded police succeed in catching the subjects.  

Speaking of violence, if words are violence, then some of the protester’s signs would be the equivalent of a baseball bat to the kneecap. And quite clever too, if I do say so myself. One said, “All you do is lose, lose, lose no matter what.” Another, “Get better songs on my mind, I can’t never get enough.” Along with, “Every time I listen to this building, everybody hands go up in frustration.” 

If you’re confused, don’t feel bad. I was too until I interviewed one of the organizers. They requested to remain anonymous due to fear of backlash from the community and other radio station DJs. But essentially, this isn’t a Black Lives Matter protest at all. They’re calling it a Radio Wave Rally for Auditory Justice protest. It can be found on the social media as #AudioJustice. 

They’ve organized this arguably peaceful protest to spur the radio station to limit the number of DJ Khaled songs that can be played in one hour. Sources indicate the radio station has been playing upwards of 13 DJ Khaled songs per hour, nearly making it a 24-hour Khaled marathon. Those sources indicate the radio station has been doing this for the past six months and these citizens of Davenport have had enough. 

There are also rumors circulating that the protestors are sending this up the legal flagpole to their local legislators to try making it a fineable offense to play more than three Khaled songs per hour. 

I don’t have to check out of the hotel until tomorrow, so I’ll keep my ear to the ground to see if there are any new developments before leaving.

-Britt 

This is a rapidly developing story and we at the LDNN will update you as updates arrive if we deem it worthy as something to update.

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