BREAKING: Rambunctious Teenagers Causing Ruckus
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A group of junior boys from Lowell High School sparked a social media wildfire tornado earlier this week by penning a letter to the school’s principal requesting to have their genders changed to female.
The letter, leaked to the Let’s Digress News Network by an anonymous source familiar with the situation at Lowell High is included below in its entirety.
Dear Mr. Burns,
Since that gender identity class a few weeks ago finished, we’ve been brainstorming, and we think we found a way to make our track and field team better. Ben found a website that says high school boys perform better than olympic-level women in sports overall, but especially in the 400-meter dash.
So, we were thinking… Can you change our genders in the system to have us listed as females? That way, we won’t just smash the competition, but we would have better times than even the most seasoned female Olympian!
We learned in the class that we’re all a little bit trans or gender fluid sometimes, and just last week, Max was wearing women’s clothing.
Anyway, we sure would appreciate you doing this solid, not only for us but also for the school.
Maxwell, Ben, and B.J.
Our investigators at the LDNN have been scouring the internet and believe the website the boys were referring to is this one: https://law.duke.edu/sports/sex-sport/comparative-athletic-performance/#_ftn1
Additional sources familiar with the situation later divulged to Brittany Manchester, LDNN’s token feminist reporter, that the apparent female-presenting/crossdressing episode consisted of Max accidentally wearing a women’s hat that was mistakenly placed in the men’s section of the clothing store.
This hate-filled scandal is a developing news story. We at the LDNN will update you as the story updates us.