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BREAKING: CDC Releases New Technology to Enhance Social Distancing

ATLANTA—GA

As the science driving the prevention and management of COVID-19 continues to evolve, experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) appear to have yet another breakthrough technology that will likely prevent up to 97% of COVID-19 cases from spreading to other potential victims.

“I know we’ve been through a lot over these past ten or so months,” Dr. Fauci said. “But the fifteen days to slow the spread just needs to last another few days. This new development will literally change the entire game plan of how we address the COVID crisis and prevent further spreading, cross-gender spreading, and additional super-spreader events.” 

Dr. Fauci went on to explain that this new cutting-edge technology is actually about thirteen years old and is readily available to everyone at their local Walmart, Target, Kroger, and many other retailers. 

This game-changing social distancing technology is Axe Body Spray. Dr. Fauci went on to say that even though any of the Axe scents will keep people away, especially women, the preliminary studies indicate that Phoenix, Essence, and Dark Temptation seem to be the most effective.   

“We’ve been working on developing a new technology to help enforce social distancing,” Dr. Fauci elaborated. “But it was actually hiding right under our noses in our teenage boys’ bedrooms across the country this entire time. You simply grab a can, shake it, spray it on yourself for no less than ten seconds, and everyone will stay at least six feet away from you.”

Dr. Fauci then performed a live demonstration, which resulted in everyone quickly backing away and coughing profusely.

This is a developing story and we at the Let’s Digress News Network will update you as the news updates us. 

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