Covid and the worldwide pandemic have changed a lot over the past year, the most heavily of which has been Valentine’s Day. However, there’s no reason for that pesky virus to dissuade your love life!
If you’re still looking to find love, looking to show someone some love, or looking to scoff at some questionable advice, then you’ve arrived at the right place. The folks over at the Let’s Digress Institute for Romantic Endeavors (L-DIRE) have concocted a conglomeration of romance tips that have congealed into the list below.
Disclaimer: Before I begin, allow me to qualify my expertise in this field: I am happily married to the best wife of all wives who does a marvelous job of putting up with my antics, especially when I make arbitrary lists with questionable advice. So, by definition, I have won the dating game and am thereby qualified to endorse the following statements.
1. Craft a handmade gift
If you really care for your valentine, give them a face mask bouquet! What says “romance” more than a festive arrangement of old germs and other assorted bacteria that may or may not still be contagious? Nothing. If you want to be even more romantic (as if that’s even possible), make it with old masks that both of you have previously used. ***Warning: Heavy sniffing not recommended.***
2. Give your prospective romantic partner a poke
Nothing says “I may be mildly infatuated with you” like a good, old fashioned poking. If you really want to turn up the heat this Valentine’s Day and make things feverish and chill, schedule the two of you to get your COVID vaccines together! After that, pick up a pizza, go home, watch a true crime show on your favorite streaming service, and just wait for the fever and body aches to kick in. Pro tip: While you’re at the clinic, get a prophylactic Rocephin shot.
3. Buy the perfect gift
If your love interest is of the feminine variety, make her feel like a true quarantine queen by surprising her with a new robe, slippers, XXL hoodie, lotion basket from your local Bath and Body Works, a package of baby wipes, and a matching face mask that’s more fashionable than functional.
If your love interest is not of the feminine variety, don’t buy them anything. They’ll be more than happy with the poke.
4. Purchase the right assortment box
Rather than giving your squeeze a heart-shaped box of assorted chocolates that no one actually likes or finishes, give them a heart-shaped box of assorted cleaning wipes! Nothing says “I care about you…also, your place is dirty” like a multipack of Clorox wipes. If you want extra romance points, begin cleaning their house in front of them without their consent and watch the magic unfold.
5. Take a love quiz together
If you want to show your valentine how much you care and that you want to learn something new about them, take an internet quiz together! Even if you’ve been together for years, there’s always something new to learn about them. If you’re single and not cohabitating yet, I recommend this quiz: 30 Questions to ask your Significant Other. Pro tip: For every question answered, feed each other a chocolate-covered gummy bear. Trust me.
Bonus questions to ask:
- Have you had a cough?
- Have you lost your sense of taste and/or smell?
- Have you had a fever?
- Have you had shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, chest pain, or known sick contacts?
Advanced discussion questions (not for the faint of heart):
- What do you think about a woman’s right to choose?
- What’s your opinion about feminism?
- Should indentured servitude-styled slavery be reinstated?
- Should schools be racially segregated?
- Is COVID a giant hoax forwarded by the government?
- Who was the worst Speaker of the House in modern American history and why did you pick Nancy Pelosi?
- What do you think about vaccines causing autism?
If you follow these tips, you’re guaranteed to have an exciting Valentines Day. Results may vary.
Questions, comments, concerns, opinions?
Comment below or send an email to adam@LetsDigress.com
Also, please be kind and grammatically decent, this is a family website.