Are you curious about how to be romantic during a Biden/Harris presidency? Do you wish for your romantic endeavors to mirror the dynamics of President Biden and VP Harris? Do you like lists? If you answered yes (or no), keep on reading!
For those of you living under a rock, it’s now January 2021 and the United States has a new President and Vice President, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, respectively.
Regardless of one’s political predilections, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are the President and VP. Despite the inauguration festivities being only hours-old at this point, I have learned from multiple news sources that President Biden’s inaugural address was the best inaugural address ever in the history of inaugural addresses. With that kind of credible, hard-hitting journalism, who am I to ask questions or to engage in free thought?
But I digress.
So, in honor of the victory of President Biden and Vice President Harris, I have crafted a list of 5 ways to pursue romantic endeavors during a Biden/Harris presidency that will best reflect the example provided by the President and his VP.
Disclaimer: Before I begin, allow me to qualify my expertise in this field: I am happily married to the best wife of all wives who does an incredible job of putting up with me, especially when I make arbitrary lists. So, by definition, I have won the dating game and am qualified to make the following assertions. Also, this is satirical; if you actually do any of the following, then you’re a terrible person and are immensely dumb.
1) Decide who you want to want to romantically pursue based on their race and/or sex.
It’s no secret that President Biden picked VP Harris to be his running mate primarily because she just happened to be a woman of color. If you truly want your relationship to mirror the dynamic of the Biden/Harris presidency, choosing who to start a romantic relationship with has to begin with the foundation of genitalia and levels of melanin.
2) Once you have found a worthy person to romantically pursue based solely on their genital arrangement and skin color, the next step is to ensure that they’re a terrible person. Or that you yourself are a terrible person. Or both!
During multiple debates and interviews throughout the 2020 election cycle, VP Harris accused President Biden of being a racist and sexual assailant. Yet, he still picked her to be his running mate. From my assessment, either she was lying, which makes her a terrible person and him silly for still picking her to be his running mate, or he was lying, which makes him a terrible person and her silly for accepting the offer to be his running mate.
If you desire for your romantic relationship to resemble the Biden/Harris origin story as closely as possible, ensuring that you, your partner, or both are awful humans is an absolute must.
3) When you approach this terrible, properly-genitaled person with your preferred amount of skin pigment, simply ask them to go on a date with you.
If they say yes, great! You’re well on your way to Presidential levels of happiness and unity.
If they say no, don’t give up hope just yet. Try to convince them to say yes by responding with, “If you don’t go out with me, you ain’t black.”
If for some reason they still decline, passionately inform them they’re only declining due to being a combination of sexist, racist, bigoted, and homophobic. Then move on, because they’re clearly not on board with your progressive, non-sexist, non-racist, presidential relationship preferences.
4) Once one of your romantic prospects agrees to a date, go on a date with them!
Because dating is a precious time for learning anything and everything about another person with whom you may want to procreate, the dating location and activities will say a lot about you.
For the date location to have the most potent results, it would be an excellent idea to push the nostalgia button. Go back in time to the earlier days of the Vice President’s public life and take your date to an abortion clinic for a tour! While you’re there, bump fists with the staff, thank them for their selfless service, and then reminisce on just how impactful the legislation endorsed by the former Attorney General of California has been at ending the lives of the unborn.
After that, take a romantic stroll down the block to the children’s museum or to the festival on the square and sniff the hair of nearby children.
Can you smell it yet? That’s the satisfying scent of L’Oreal Kids Cheeky Cherry Almond Shampoo infused with a budding romance.
5) Prosecute a journalist.
Nothing fosters romance quite like a mutually shared hatred and intolerance for the freedoms and ideas of others. If you are legitimately serious about this new relationship, you and your romantic running mate should find someone to prosecute to the best of your ability.
Take a page from the VP’s playbook; find a reporter with whom you disagree and try to get them criminally prosecuted based on the content of what they were reporting.
Like any good InstaPot recipe, just follow these simple steps and you’ll definitely have yourself a happy and successful two-term relationship. Also, like the InstaPot, if you don’t follow these steps correctly, your house may explode.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Opinions?
Comment below or send an email to Adam@LetsDigress.com!
Also, please be kind and grammatically decent, this is a family website.