Let's Digress

How to Flirt Via Text

Why, hello there! Let me guess: You’ve found an appropriately-aged consenting human you’re romantically inclined toward and came here for advice on how to grow that fledging, eros-laden relationship?

Well, look no further. I’m somewhat of an expert-amateur on all things lovey-dovey. Also, I’m married. Which means, 1) Back off, ladies. I’m taken, not interested, and my punctilious wife will legitimately end you. But I appreciate the sentiment. And 2) I have literally won the dating game, so my methods are golden and proven to work (on at least one woman). In a sense, I’m the Tony Robbins of the romance realm.*

But I digress…  

I just finished reading an article from Elite Daily about how to flirt via text message. It was quite a compelling read and had some decent points. You can read it for yourself here or you can skip that silliness and just take my word for it.

I have a few textual pointers of my own to share for your romantic edification.

First, since you’re reading this, I’ll assume you already know how to read and send text messages, which means you have the basics down. Good! 

Second, I will also assume that you have procured the phone number of the individual you are interested in in a legitimate way (i.e., they willingly consented to you having their number and you contacting them).

Third, remember that this is for texting only. Not email. Email flirting is much more fun and a completely different animal than textual flirting. 

GIF Abuse and Emoji Use

GIFs and emojis are a touchy subject for most people. When they’re done well, they’re done really well. And when they’re not done well, they’re awful. So be careful about what you use and when you use it. Typically with GIFs and emojis, less is more. Especially if it’s absolutely hilarious and spot-on. 

Also, be mindful of coital-related GIFs and emojis. Donuts, eggplants, red peppers, peaches, salad bowls, tacos, snowmen, certain flags, and a particular vehicle can send the wrong message (literally and figuratively!) to the person you’re sending it to. Or it could be the right message, depending on where you are in your relationship. 

Hint: If you and this person are not married, then it’s definitely the wrong message, period.  

Proper Use of Rapid-Fire Text Messages

There are two types of people in this world: Those who appreciate rapid-fire text messages, and liars. Why plan ahead and send a well thought out and concise text when you can more easily throw your thoughts out of the textual window for your prospective squeeze to read as rapidly as they come into your brainspace? Exactly. 

In a way, if you rapid-fire text everything, it’s sort of a compliment. It says you care so much about the person you’re getting texty with that you want them to have all of your thoughts immediately and unfiltered. 

Rapid-fire texts also can help get important messages across to your romantic interest that might have otherwise be lost in translation. I have an example: Just recently, my groovy wife needed to wake up for work or something and tasked me with making sure she was up by 5:15ish. It’s a heavy husbandly responsibility, and one I don’t take tenderfootedly, so I pulled out the trusty rapid-fire text message from my textual arsenal. The execution was nearly flawless and she was awakened with charming text messages. That’s what we in the textual world call “flirtation success.”

Grammatical Nobility

This is 2019, gang. We all have smartphones. There is virtually no excuse to not use the grammar of a marginally intelligent 8th grader or higher. Seriously. Srsly. This isnt 2003 anymor. No1 has used a flipfone in literally 10+ yrs. U hav no xcuse 2 txt any1 this way. Certainly not some1 ur interested n. 

Also, if you sound like an idiot with your words, then you’ll probably be less appealing to the person you’re appealing to with the textual flirting. No, it doesn’t make you a trendy retro hipster to text like you have a Motorola Razr.

Text better. 

Really, this pointer applies to all aspects of texting. Not just for a romantic interest. 

1) Be grammatically noble. 2) Don’t be a hipster.

Use of Animal Pictures

Anyone who has ever exchanged mutual textual flirtations knows that everyone loves receiving pictures of animals, especially women. It’s the easiest thing you could possibly send. You don’t even need to have actually met the animal; you just need a picture of one. And if the animal picture has amusing words on it, even better. Oh! Baby animals are also quite popular amongst the females. 

When sending animal pictures, you’re basically saying, “Hey, you. This creature made me think of you. Because you remind me of creatures. Know what you and this creature have in common? I’d utterly enjoy booping you on the head, too.”

Below are some of the classic animal pictures that aided me in the wooing process of my wife. Feel free to save and use them for yourselves. 

Textual Frequency

How much textual contact is too much? Well, that depends on a lot of things. You don’t want to be overbearing, but even worse, you don’t want to be underbearing. Varying response length and frequency could be helpful, at least until you and your potential mate find your mutual textual groove. 

Similarly, don’t be excessively commitment-ready when the other person is trying to set up plans. However, don’t not be enough commitment-ready, because then you’ll just be a chowderhead. And no one wants to be a chowderhead, trust me. 

Below is a textual example of when I didn’t want to be too committed to plans but didn’t not want to be committed enough to not show enough interest. Also, note the rapid-fire textual contact from Gabby.

The Conclusion

Basically, flirting sucks. If you actually do end up landing this person as your significant other, then you’ll either marry them or break up. Those are literally the only two options. 

I was never that skilled at the flirting and dating games myself, but I was fortunate and had this website, so I was able to compensate for it. 

I know, this whole post reads like an ultra-smooth ladies’ man wearing a tuxedo wrote it while overlooking Seattle from the rooftop of a popular nightclub. But I’m no ladies’ man. Don’t just take my word for it; ask Gabby. She tells people all the time how awkward I was (and still am) at flirting and how she only went on dates and eventually married me because of this very website.

The Let’s Digress enterprise and entrepreneurial endeavors seem to have paid off.

Additionally, you may want to disregard everything you just read. Or don’t. Or do. Whatevs. You do you.**

*If Tony Robbins were more like Steve Urkel.

**Unless you being you resembles Ted Bundy, R. Kelly, Michael Jackson, or Jared Fogle. Then don’t do you. Seek help.

What are your textual flirtation tips? Comment below!

Be kind…and grammatically decent.

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