Let's Digress

BREAKING–Boycott of Apple Face ID

CUPERTINO, CA—Due to the recent protests outside of the main offices at the enormous entrepreneurial tech enterprise, Apple, the Let’s Digress News Network has sent a uniquely qualified reporter to investigate what exactly is being protested. 

That reporter is none other than Brittany Manchester, the token feminist here at the Let’s Digress News Network. She sent us this preliminary report in an email moments ago:

Hey individuals (I would say “guys,” but that’s sexist),

It’s pretty packed here. It’s day three of the protests and there has probably been an average of at least 8-13 people on the sidewalk at all times. It seems this is a women’s empowerment group who started protesting about the Face ID logo being discriminatory against the disadvantaged. They’ve been calling for “cellular purchase reparations” from both Apple and the federal government, as well as the boycotting of all Apple products.

I interviewed one of the protesters a little bit ago. She (I assume it was a she, but she could be a he, or a zir. But based on the Ugg boots and mocha frappuccino, I’m guessing female) stated the Face ID icon is “bigoted against people who don’t have eyes, noses, mouths, face brackets, or those who don’t identify as human at all.” They’re calling for Apple to discontinue the Face ID picture and to change it to something more universally acceptable.

I was unsure what she meant by “face brackets,” so I asked for clarification. She/ze angrily said my “face normalcy privilege” was showing, threw her mocha frappuccino at me (that’s how I knew it was a mocha), and then stormed off in the name of tolerance. 

Another protester standing near us explained that the face brackets are referring to the curved lines around the face in the Face ID icon. I asked what those look like on a real person and they said that “some people have them naturally because of evolution,” but they were unable to provide a more concrete example. Then the crowd began a yell-chant saying, “Yeah, no, face brackets gots to go!”

  I also asked some of them what the icon should be changed to instead of a face with brackets. A few had suggested it should be changed to a panda bear because they’re lovable, while others thought it should just be blank and icon-less. There was another group within the protestors who thought the federal government should ban Apple products altogether and mandate U.S. citizens use Android and Windows products. 

Personally, I like the panda bear idea because panda bears are black, white, Asian, fat, finicky eaters, and only have sex once a year. Most of those who oppose the Face ID icon should be able to relate to at least one of those attributes.


This situation is still developing and we’ll update it as updates arrive. 

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