LOS ANGELES, CA—Late last week, Los Angeles native, Zola Adderley, gained a burst of unexpected traction from a social media post about her opting out of vaccinating her dog.
Let’s Digress News Network’s token feminist reporter, Brittany Manchester, was sent to the scene to investigate the matter. In her distinctive reporting style, she sent us this email.
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Hey fellow individuals! (I still can’t say “guys,” because sexism.)
I just left Zola’s house. We had a delightful interview. I attached a picture I took of her dog. She named him Chuck. I asked her why she picked that name, and apparently it’s because when he has bitten people or animals in the past, whatever was bitten looks similar to beef chuck or something. But she was clear that it’s only “love-biting,” not vicious biting.
Anyway, Chuck isn’t a normal dog in the usual way we think of a “dog.” He’s actually a raccoon. She him found sniffing through her garbage like the little trash panda he is and adopted him. So far, he has nipped seven different people and has hidden two of the fingers he partially removed somewhere in Zola’s house. Zola said she still has been unable to find them.
I asked her why she called the furry bandit a dog and not a raccoon. She said that it’s because he behaves more like a dog than a raccoon, which means he’s a “trans-species creature and needs to have the same dignified respect as humans who identify as something other than the stereotypical concepts formed by patriarchal institutions to enslave us to do their bidding.”
Zola said she was inspired to make the social media post after being told by animal control and law enforcement that if she was going to keep the raccoon as a pet, or even if she wasn’t going to keep him, he needed to be vaccinated for rabies, roundworm, leptospirosis, and other bad things raccoons are known to contract. Zola adamantly refused, stating that she didn’t want Chuck to get autism from the vaccines.
“Human kids get autism from vaccines all the time. We all know it. Luckily for humans, they had Andrew Wakefield to bring awareness to everyone. Dogs also get autism from vaccines much more frequently than humans, but it isn’t covered by the media like it is with children because people just don’t care about the four-legged creatures as much. It’s interspecies discrimination at its most insidious form and I can’t stand it. So I posted it on the internet to bring awareness to the issue. Now, hopefully, Chuck and I will get justice for us and all of the other canines out there who have been subjected to this awful tyranny.” Zola went on to say that she is the animal kingdom’s “ambassador equivalent” of Andrew Wakefield and Rosa Parks combined into one person.
I asked her how she was going to prevent Chuck from dying due to some of those diseases and how to prevent him from transmitting them to other people or animals. She showed me his harness, which had a pendent-type reservoir to hold liquid, and said, “Essential oils. If you mix lavender and patchouli oil together with a pinch of salt water, it will neutralize any non-naturally occurring pathogens.”
I asked her if that would still work with rabies, since rabies is a naturally occurring ailment, much like tetanus. She suddenly became enraged and threw a diffuser from a nearby table at me, which struck me on the head and caused me to fall to the floor. As I was getting up, she was shouting, “Chuck will not get dogtism! Get out of my house, reporter scum!”
To add insult to injury, Chuck leapt from her lap and bit me on the neck.
I have to go. I’m typing this from an ER bed at the hospital and the nursing staff just came in. Hopefully those essential oils worked, because if they didn’t, I may have rabies. I’ll fill out the workers comp form when I get back.
This story is continuing to develop and we at the LDNN will continue to update it as updates arrive.