Let's Digress

The Shared Wedding: The Ceremony

The Ceremony

The wait was over. It was time to walk down the ridiculously long ramp and head down to the makeshift alter (by “makeshift,” I mean it was an awesome open door on the dance floor platform that symbolized stuff).

I was escorting Kaitlyn, little Alex had Summer, Travis was stuck with Megan, and Giant Jake drew the short straw and had sister Eleanor. I don’t know what the others did to kill time during that crazy long walk, but for me, I mainly made bad jokes about the wedding and shared my thoughts on global warming (it was a really long walk).

My logic behind my discussion topics was two-fold: 1). I find myself hilarious, and if I were genuinely laughing at my own jokes, it would look much better for the pictures. 2). Global warming is a real issue. Sure, the guy who founded it said it’s a load of malarkey, but it’s still real! It has to be real; Captain Planet-esk people make too big of a deal about it for it to not be real. Right? Maybe I need to reconsider this.

Anyway, 20 minutes of walking later and we were finally on the platform looking spiffy. I love formal attire.

My primary task for the ceremony was to carry a bible with the rings tied to it. Ring bearers are very mid-90’s, so they had me carry them. The problem I foresaw with this “tied to the bible” thing was the knot. I wasn’t sure how good Shelby’s and Kaitlyn’s knot-tying skills were, so I put a pair of trauma shears that I use at work in my jacket pocket, just in case.

Jared high-five/hugged us groomsmen as we made our way onto the platform and we stood there making awkward eye contact waiting for Shelby to arrive.

I don’t quite understand why she walked so slowly; it’s only a giant, expensive, white, fluffy dress that has a train and is super long. I can see how it would slow walking down if she were to walk in waist-deep water with it…but on freshly pressed and mowed grass, down a hill… I just don’t get it.

Maybe she was trying to not get sweaty and smelly… Oh! Or it could’ve been to relish in what was quite possibly the greatest moment in her life or something. Who knows, I’ll have to ask her when they get back from the honeymoon.

40 minutes later, Shelby is finally there; her and Jared are holding hands looking all lovey dovey. Then it happens.

Shelby cracks a tear.

Then, Jared squeezes a tear out, too.

Kaitlyn must have sensed it was coming, because she let a few go also as soon as she noticed Jared and Shelby with wet faces.

Then it was my turn.

But I didn’t tear; I giggled. I giggled a lot. I giggled enough to where the other bridesmaids where giving me confused looks. Unless they were confused about whether to weep joyously or not… I’ll have to ask them and follow up later.

But I giggled.

The minister guy started talking about love or Jesus or something wedding-related. I don’t remember anymore. But I do remember that while he was talking I kept thinking, “I’m gonna get my dance groove on in 15 minutes. After I drink Dr. Pepper. No, wait. I can do both at the same time! Oh! And I have a date to dance with this time! I love weddings. Good thing I watched Wedding Crashers last night.”

Next thing I know, Jared is turning around trying to grab the bible in my hands, and (in my head) I’m just like, “Yo, dude. What’s your deal? Why you grabbin’ at me? Why you all up in my space trying to grab my stuff?” Then it suddenly all clicked: I had the rings. He wasn’t trying to mug me.

He reaches for the bible and before I give it to him to untie the knot, I not-so-softly whisper, “I have a pair of shears in my pocket if you need them. I wasn’t sure how good of knot tiers Shelby and Kaitlyn were…”

Turns out, they’re decent knot tiers. That bow came undone very easily, no shears needed.

Jared and Shelby repeated some stuff, ringed each other, and then they kissed. It lasted for at least 15 seconds. Maybe it was closer to 6. But it felt more like 15, possibly 45.

The minister fellow pronounced them man and wife, and before they walked down to leave, my newly-wed brother said, “But first, let me take a selfie.” And then he and Shelby took a selfie, which was photobombed by the minister guy, Maid-of-Honor Kaitlyn, Erika, and…I think that was it. It was pretty cool.

When he said “selfie,” I’m pretty sure I could hear half the crowd say, “awww” and the other half loudly whisper, “What’s a selfie?”

Then we all walked down the aisle and up the hill to the line of trees where the receiving line was supposed to be.

The receiving line is always the weirdest part for me. So many hugs and handshakes from people I don’t know… I’m also pretty sure I took credit for stuff I didn’t do (like planning an awesome wedding).

As soon as we got under the trees, my jacket came off. I thought I was going to die of heat stroke. The jacket came off, my sleeves were rolled up, and that collar and tie was drastically loosened and unbuttoned.

Zach said I looked “disheveled.” However, my fashion-forward date Jess said it looked good. So her opinion won. Sorry Zacharias.

It felt like I was hugging and shaking hands for 45 minutes (more like 7), and when it had finally ended, the reception started.

That’s where all of the fun was had.

It’s also so long and detailed that it’ll be another blog.

Stay tuned!


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