Let's Digress

The Shared Wedding: Pre-Wedding

It’s Sunday, June 15, 2014. This means it’s the day after the Shared Wedding. My inner introvert is coming out and I need a nap. But I’ll try to power through it and give a rundown of the big day.

Also, since this was a big day with lots of intricate details, I’ll break it up into several blog entries.

This is between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm roughly. It’s before the wedding actually started.


The Pre-Wedding.

*clears throat and cracks knuckles*

I woke up at 9 am, got a shower, and then put on some cargo shorts. I know, they’re out of style… But in my defense, those large wonderful pockets rival Mary Poppins’ purse for storage space. I can fit all of my accessories in them so easily! Wallet, car keys, iPad, iPhone, emergency window breaker, extra-absorbent sponge, spare socks, sunglasses, Axe body spray (2 cans!), contact lens solution, everything! It’s a wonderful invention. So, they may be out of style, but they’re so practical, I feel obligated to wear them.

No, it’s bigger than mere obligation. I would be doing a disservice to the general population by not wearing them!

Anyway, I woke up and got dressed. Then I headed over to Shelby’s house to help set up wedding stuff. I followed Jared around and we set up some tables, moved some chairs, hung some balloons, ate some bacon, lifted a few mildly heavy things, and we possibly did a couple shots of protein powder.

Shots of protein powder, what’s that? Well, it’s where you put protein powder in a shot glass, throw it back, and swallow the powder. Just like a normal shot. But this is dry protein powder, and not alcohol. All of the cool gym people are doing it now.

The bridesmaid peeps were all in the main house getting ready and whatnot, so Jared wasn’t allowed to go inside. Oh, and this whole time I had my Best Man Video Camera running, so now I have a few hours of video to edit for the whole world to see.

The night before, co-best man Alex and I went to Walmart and bought Jared a pair of Spider-Man underwear to wear under his tux. For good luck and humor.

Jared said no. But then he said, “Wait. Do you all have them? If you did, then I would wear them.”

Well, I took that as a challenge. So, Alex, Travis, and I got in the truck and headed to Walmart to buy superhero underwear.

Bride Shelby called us while we were there. She wanted us to pick up nail polish stuff and floral tape. It was kind of upsetting; 3 relatively grown guys, running around Walmart, unable to find the section of the store where they keep feminine accessories and painting supplies. It took 20 minutes just to find the section. We almost bought a can of coral-colored spray paint and a brush and told the womenfolk “good luck.” But we didn’t, and it only took another 10 minutes (and 3 phone calls to Shelby) to find the right paint stuff after locating the aisle.

Side note: Women, you all have way too many options with nail color stuff. It was kind of a little crazy and moderately super ridiculous.

45 minutes later…we finally left the store, painting supplies and underoos in hand.

By the time we had gotten back to the house, groomsman Jake had shown up and it was about time to put the tuxes on. That was an adventure.

First off, I absolutely love formal wear and nice clothes. It just makes me feel spiffy and relatively attractive. In the words of Terry Hoitz from The Other Guys movie, “I’m a peacock, you gotta let me fly!” …And I happen to fly best while wearing formal attire.

Oh, also, I called dibs on the Batman skivvies. Best and worst decision ever.

Best decision because, well, it’s Batman. Duh. Worst decision because they just weren’t comfortable. They fit like the $6 draws that they were. That was also a universal complaint from all of the groomsmen.

Since Jared and Shelby are somewhat modern, they opted to have the wedding pictures taken before the wedding, which saved a ton of time and energy. So we did all of the typical classic, clichéd, funny, and awesome poses and whatnot. The picture taking lasted from 3ish until right at 4.

Don’t forget, I had my Best Man Cam recording this whole time. I’m pretty sure some of the people there wanted to punch me in the face with my own camera. I may have been a little annoying with it at times. But hey, it’s not my problem that they were eating/in the bathroom/putting on their white wedding dress while I was trying to conduct a harmless interview. That was poor timing on their part.

Moving on.

After the brunt of the pictures was done, we went inside to hide while everyone showed up. It was the longest 30 minutes ever. Longer than the 30 minute line at the DMV. Longer than the 30 minute wait for food at Texas Roadhouse. Longer than the 30 minutes before you’re allowed to open Christmas presents.

It. Was. Dreadful.

But, luckily, I had the Best Man Cam and was doing pseudo-interviews with people the whole time. Don’t fret; they will all be uploaded later.


That’s pretty much all of it up until it started.

All wedding-related pictures have “#SharedWedding” attached to it for our social media convenience.

So, search “#SharedWedding on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, or Instagram to see pictures and whatnot.

Below is the Best Man Diaries #1 and Co-Best Man Alex’s and my speech. I’ll include more at a later date when I have time to type it. I need to go introvert now.


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