15 Things Men Look for in Women

There are some universal things men look for in women. These are 15 of them. 

I was doing some Facebooking recently and someone liked a page that someone else commented on which another party liked that just happened to be sponsored by a company that shares the posts from another party who likes the posts of someone else…long story short, there was a link to a blog on my newsfeed from Rebel Circus. This blog was titled 15 Signs She’s a Keeper.

I’m still a little unsure if it was intended to be a serious list or a satire list. However, being the single and appropriate-age-for-wedlock-but-still-young-enough-to-be-ignorant-and-opinionated guy that I am, I had to read it…and then provide my own heavily opinionated opinion and my own list of keeper qualities.

Oh, and to follow suit with the original list, my list is also unclear as to if it’s serious or satire. Don’t fret too much though; my list is an actual list, not the “click ‘next’ for the next slide” list, like the original was. People who make lists in slide form aren’t to be trusted. Why? I’m not sure yet, but I am sure that slides make it more difficult to skim read, and if we’re honest, it’s how most of us read blogs.

Have fun!

  1. She knows how to read.

Women who know how to read are much more appealing than women who are illiterate. Wait. That sounds mean… Let me try this again: Women who do read are much more appealing than those who don’t actively read.

Of all the qualities men want in a marriageable female, this one is the most important.

  1. She’s virtuous.

Nothing is more appealing to a man than a virtuous woman. I hear dudes saying it to other dudes all the time, “Dude, check out the virtues on that girl!”

Honestly, it didn’t know virtue was a noun that one could just “check out.” I always thought virtue was something more along the lines of a moral compass and character and integrity and ethically uprightness that one lived out on a day-to-day basis, which also dictated their actions, beliefs, and thoughts.

Of all the qualities men want in a wedlockable woman, this one is definitely the most important.

  1. She is familiar with the concept of “blending.”

I’m new to the “blended life.” I’ve only had my Ninja blender for a week, but I’m in love with it. I blend all sorts of stuff now! Oranges, limes, pineapples, kale, creatine powder, ice, trash bags, light bulbs, bleach, blue Dawn soap with penguin on label, fresh linen scented wall plug-ins…Wait. That’s my shopping list for later.

Shopping lists aside, I like to blend things. I think I speak for all blender-friendly guys everywhere when I say that for a girl to be a “keeper,” she needs to know how to blend. Should we ever be involved in a tragic accident that results in the loss of our blending capabilities, our leading lady needs to be able to step up to the metaphorical and pun-intended plate and blend for us.

  1. She likes small people.

A woman who likes small people is most definitely a possible shoo-in for marriage. By “small people,” I mean kids. Not midgets. Midgets are frightening; especially after TLC and Discovery got ahold of them for interviews and TV show stuff. Hobbits, elves, dwarfs, and halflings are fine, just not midgets, but I digress.

A woman who likes kids and wants her own, both biological and/or adopted, that’s what men want, even more so if she already has possible future names picked out. Bonus points if those names happen to be the same as those on our list (all men have a list of baby names, no matter how much they deny it).

Of all the qualities men look for in a possible mate, this one is the most important.

  1. She doesn’t mind pushing the shopping cart.

All guys, myself included, absolutely loathe pushing the shopping cart. Some guys have even gone so far as to pay and bribe their own siblings to push it for them or to tag along with their cousin and that cousin’s small children on their shopping trip, just so they wouldn’t have to push the cart themselves.

Men want a woman who doesn’t mind pushing the cart.

Of all the qualities men look for in women they’re considering putting a ring on, this one is the most important.

  1. She’s aesthetically pleasing.

Simply put, men like pretty things.

If a woman attractive, guys will probably like her more than if she was an uggo. Of all the qualities men look for in a woman…

…This one is pretty important. Not the most important, but definitely in the top 4.

  1. She knows how to drive.

Men find women with driver’s licenses (and their own vehicles) much more appealing than those who only drive a moped or nothing at all.

All men naturally want to drive to the future wife’s house and pick her up for dates and whatnot. However, that natural inclination dissipates as soon as it becomes a necessity. Let me say that again, men want to pick women up to help keep chivalry alive and thriving, but the moment it turns into a “Hey, boyfriend-type person, I need you to pick me up tonight because it’s raining and my moped is broken and I can’t drive because my license is suspended and I’m a bum and blah blah blah,” we don’t want to do it anymore and then the relationship and any future possibly of one is dead, just like that moped.

  1. She has a healthy appreciation for John and Abigail Adams.

A woman who can talk about the Adams family is always impressive. After all, John Adams was the pinnacle of manliness. So, naturally, all guys want their own Abigail-equivalent. Any woman who can talk intelligently about the John and Abigail relationship dynamic will be nothing short of jaw droppingly impressive.

Of all the qualities men look for in a potential Abigail, this one is the most important.

  1. She’s not an ice queen.

This era of grown women wanting their lives to be like the Frozen movie desperately needs to end. Appreciating the movie is okay, it was a decent movie, but being obsessed with the characters and trying to make their life as Frozen-like as possible is disturbing. Besides, no grown woman should be permitted to have both Elsa bedding and a moped. It just shouldn’t be allowed…and The Incredibles was much better anyway.

Of all the qualities Kristoff’s look for in their Anna’s, this one is the most important.

  1. She dislikes all boybands and most pop music.

A woman with a fiery disdain of pop music and boybands is much more attractive than a woman who still listens to Backstreety Boys (NSYNC may be acceptable, but it’s a case-by-case issue). Men would much more prefer their possible long-term women to enjoy the musical stylings of Gregory Porter or Mötley Crüe.

Oh, except for Owl City. Owl City is the only pop music that approved and encouraged. Fireflies, anyone?

  1. She doesn’t mind binge watching TV shows.

One of the first thoughts men have while talking to a datable-and-possibly-marriage-material kind of woman is, “Could I watch the entire 7th season of How I Met Your Mother with you in one night?” Closely followed by, “I wonder what she thought of the series finale?” The answer to the second question is almost as important as the answer to the first.

Of all the qualities us Ted’s look for in our future children’s mother, this one is easily the most important.

  1. She enjoys going to the movie theater.

It may be horrifically clichéd, but dudes still like going on dates to the movies with their women. It’s another way we keep chivalry alive; it’s an easy way for us to pay for everything without there being too much of a fight put up by the mildly feministic women society created who we choose to associate with.

And hey, if the lady happens to know the nearby location of a secluded hillside where we can go park after the movie is over to talk and recap the plotline, that’s all the better.

Of all the qualities men look for in long-term relationship worthy women, movie savviness and secluded hillside locations are the most important.

  1. She likes coffee.

Nothing is more attractive than a woman who knows her coffee products. It doesn’t matter so much if she actually likes coffee products, just as long as she knows a sufficient amount about them.

Side note: I speak for all guys everywhere when I say that when we get coffee with a possible long-termable woman, one of the first thoughts we have is, “What would this look like in 10 years? Do I see her leaning on the doorframe, soaking in the morning air while gazing out over the back deck and wearing Crocs and one of my oversized button-up shirts as a makeshift robe while sipping from a cup of Italian roast?”

Every guy has that thought. It’s practically encoded in our DNA or something scientifical sounding like that.

  1. She’s intelligently sarcastic.

A wise and sarcastic man once said, “A sarcastic insult is the highest form of a compliment.”

Men want a woman who is intelligently sarcastic, a woman who can sarcastically insult and mock us and still mean it as a genuinely sincere compliment. That’s what men look for in a long-term kind of woman.

Of all the qualities men look for in a betrothalble woman, this one is surely the most important.

  1. She openly/secretly admires wedlock-aged guys who are awkwardly funny and overly opinionated who also have their own website that incorporates squirrels in the logo and header.

Ah, number 15. This one is perhaps the most ambiguous on the list so far. In fact, it’s so ambiguous that I’m not going to even try and attempt explaining it. Actually, I’m pretty sure it would be far easier to explain the concept of humility or God’s provisional grace to an 8-year-old with ADHD.

Actually, that sounds like a fun challenge.

Oh, of all the qualities I, er…ah… all men, look for in a ringable woman, this one is the most important.

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